Today
marks 10 years since
Malou Amelia
was born.
And 10 years and two days
since she died.
A whole decade.
How did I make it this far
…those of you reading who might
have stumbled upon this blog
deep in the midst of your own, more recent grief may wonder?
I am not sure at times.
Surviving is not always a choice.
Breathing is automatic
and time marches on
thankfully
but also
relentlessly, persistently,
every single day,
leading you out of the darkest days,
even if you don’t see the light yourself
for a very long time.
So in that way
time does help heal.
And what doesn’t kill you
does make you stronger.
At least if you let it.
I was determined to not let it for awhile.
I hated finding any type of “good”
coming out of my daughter’s death.
It was as if I mentally
wanted to raise my middle finger
to a universe that could
so suddenly
remove
a completely
innocent little girl from
this world we know
and
shatter my world, my heart, my innocence
into a million pieces.
I wanted no part in
finding a silver lining
or making the best of it
or accepting there is a reason for everything.
But now
I see that what didn’t kill me
did make me stronger
in some ways.
Better, I would even say.
More compassionate, more reflective,
more certain of a God,
more aware of myself.
But it did not come without costs.
It was and is
hard work
plain and simple
to fight my way out of a dark grief,
losing a marriage along the way,
seeing and feeling the worst parts of myself
and deciding
who and what I want to be,
and how I want to live,
to be the best I can be
in honor of my little girl
who never had a chance.
I am not anywhere close to perfect,
I am so far from it,
it is laughable.
But I get up every day,
and try my best.
To be
Patient
Kind
Loving
Rummelig (a Danish word that doesn’t have a good English translation)
Forgiving
Honest
Authentic
Open
Hard-working
All things
I want my children to be.
Everything
Malou
should be,
would be?
Funny how when a person dies,
it is easy to only remember
(or at least only talk about)
the good parts.
It’s as if they turn into
an angel
upon death.
With
Malou Amelia
it is also so easy to do that
because her personality
and the little anecdotes of her life
were never known.
And of course people love to call “sleeping babies”
angels.
But I don’t care if it is true or not,
it feels true to me.
She is the epitome of innocence
and yet also a
soft, spiritual presence in my life
representing only goodness and faith.
I miss her every single day.
Even though I never really “knew” her.
There has not been a day that has gone by
in the past 10 years
where I have not thought about her.
Sometimes it is fleeting,
other times it is deep and heavy.
But she is a huge part of me,
that I often carry alone
because no one can see her or feel her inside me
like I do.
To mark
Malou’s
10th birthday
and 10 years of living
without her
I designed a gold ring
using her birthstone, an emerald,
surrounded by small diamonds,
with her name and birthdate
engraved inside.
(It only fits on my pinkie now that I am 8 months pregnant 😉
It is meant to be a
a beautiful, visible reminder to
myself of my little girl
and
a conversation-starter,
so I have a reason to speak of her,
and
I hope an heirloom some day
for my grandchildren and great-grandchildren
to remember her as well.
I love the few pieces of heirloom jewelry
I have from family who died long before me
because
I feel I bring them with me into the future
and ensure they are never forgotten.
That is of course
my biggest wish:
That no one ever forgets
Malou Amelia,
whose heart beat in 2007 and 2008.
She was here,
she was alive,
and she was loved.
So a couple of simple bouquets of flowers
a lit candle
Danish flags (a birthday tradition)
some tears
and also two small boys
who about broke my heart
in their innocent way of asking (excitedly, happily),
“Mommy, I want to be buried right next to Malou when I die, ok?!”
And suddenly
the day is here and gone.
One decade down.
10 years living without her.
But it’s her birthday, too!
So Happy Birthday to my darling firstborn and my only daughter.
You are loved every single day
and I wait patiently for the time that we will see each other again.
I hope you are safe and happy and at peace.
As you can see,
I am pregnant with
Malou’s 3rd little brother,
due just 12 days before
Malou
was due.
I have never been pregnant on
Malou Amelia’s
birthday before.
And it is quite emotional
to be following almost exactly the same
milestones as when I was pregnant with her.
So today we enter unknown territory,
passing all of the days seared into my mind
that are associated with
Malou.
Her birthday.
The last day I saw her.
Her funeral.
Her burial.
I hope and pray this little boy
makes it to our world safely
and that somehow
there is a meaning to his due date,
to nudge me forward even more on this path of healing and acceptance
by restoring days associated with sadness
to days of hope and joy (10 years later).
Just as
Nohi Oliver
did when he was born on the day
Malou
died (4 years later).
Just as
Liam Johannes
did when he was born and brought
true joy back into my life
for the first time (2 years later).
My precious third son is such
an active little boy
reassuring me constantly
with his big kicks.
Telling me in his own way,
he is strong,
he will make it,
giving me hope enough
to live through the fear.
Carrying new life is
something I can never take for granted.
I am so lucky.
A mama of four.