5 years

Happy 5th Birthday,

Malou Amelia!

I am writing this in
the wee hours
of the morning of May 26th,
the day you died.

But as I mentioned last year,
it is also the day your second brother was born.

This is a good day.

Nohi Oliver is a sweet, cuddly, mellow little guy
with the most amazing smile.
He loves his big brother Liam so much it’s crazy,
and I know he loves you too.

So I don’t know why I have been up for hours,
or what propelled me to check your blog,
but when I did and started crying,
I realized the date
and that I needed to write to you.

5 years old
seems like a big deal.

A nice round number.

If we lived in the US,
you would be starting kindergarten
in the fall.

Kindergarten!
Imagine!

I do imagine.
Not always,
but sometimes.
Usually,
you remain my baby girl.
But I always know how old you
“should” be.

Although as the years pass,
I let go more and more of the
“should haves.”

It helps that I know
your life
is not over.

You live in me,
in your dad,
in your brothers,
and in the thoughts
and memories
and good deeds
of many many other people.

You were alive.
You are real.
You are beautiful.
You are precious.

I will love you forever.

You are love perfected.

Darling girl,
We have had quite the year.
You would have loved it.
We are just back from 5 months of travel,
visiting your aunt and uncle
and new cousin Annabelle
in Panama
for two months
and then your American family
in Washington
for three months.

It was an amazing trip,
but somehow I think you know that.

You were never out of my thoughts,
and your name was written in the sand
of the Pacific and the Caribbean,
and I found heart-shaped stones
even when I wasn’t looking.

I miss you so much,
still,
but I know you are here.
There.
Everywhere.

There was a time
that I thought I could never leave
your grave.

5 months away would have been
unimaginable.

But now I feel at peace,
knowing that
yes, this is where your ashes are buried,
but your beautiful spirit
is soaring
all over the world
and you are
always
in my heart.

I love you, daughter of mine. Always have and always will. Happy, happy birthday! Love, your mommy

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Published in: on May 28, 2013 at 09:01  Comments (8)  

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8 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Happy Birthday Sweet Girl. You are always in our hearts! Love you so much – all the way to Heaven and back.

  2. I’m crying this minute Malou. Because i miss you so much. But also because your Mom write so beautiful about you. She always have, and always will. Forgive me for not writing on this blog before now. Just been to hard for me. Sorry.
    Yesterday Liam found a dragonfly (that always remind us of you) In a Little pool we made here in the summerhouse where we’re staying. I thought it drowned, but we took it out to dry in the sun. Shortly after it moved it’s wings. We stayed and watch until it took of and flew away. Liam was so happy and so was I. Happy birthday my sweet loving daughter…
    Your Dad.

  3. Happy Birthday my Angel, Malou Amelia. What a lovely post your daddy wrote. I can just picture it. I too, was remembering the 26th, the day you passed into the new world and your brother was born. How God works in mysterious ways. I was on the way to Norway when I received the news and I could do nothing! I will never forget that. Just like the 28th, your birthday, is in my mind and heart always. I think of you a lot, Malou, and I get lots of visits from you in the form of beautiful dragonflies. Never one passes me by without me thinking of you, your mom, dad and brothers. I’m sure you enjoyed all the travels of the past months with your family. You are always with them, in their hearts, as you are in mine.
    Love, Carolyn

  4. I’m so moved by all the love expressed by your sweet family, little Malou. Wish I could have met you in person, but looking forward to catching up one day:) Hope you had a Happy Birthday!

  5. Every time I see a dragonfly, I also always think of beautiful little Malou. I’ve been thinking of her a lot lately. I’m glad that you feel her wherever you are. Sending much love.

  6. My Beautiful Malou,
    Tomorrow is the 6th anniversary of your passing and the birthday of your youngest brother, Nohi Oliver. I know you are still with your mommy but I always think of you today and the next 3 days with very special memories. I will always love you, Malou Amelia.

  7. Jeg savner dig min elskede datter. I dag er det din brors fødselsdag og det skal fejres. Håber du kigger ned til os. Jeg elsker dig. Din Far

  8. Thank you, Carolyn.


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