A guest post by Malou’s daddy

To my baby Malou and your loving mom,

I am writing for the first time in six years to tell a littleof my story. Maybe some think it is too late? Maybe it’s a terrible mistake? I hope not.

I do this because it is first now that I have almost finished reading through what your mom wrote on this blog. I am so sorry that I could not be there for here the way she needed it when we lost you. I tried to in my own way. But i see clearly now that I did not manage to do it the way she was crying out for.

Six years have passed since we lost you. I am not anywhere near over the loss i still feel. Not only did I lose you, I also think today I somehow lost your mom from the day you died. I haven’t finished the whole story yet that your mom put out there to the whole world. I just can’t get through it. Because every time I read parts of it, I start to cry and i cannot stop. It just hurts so much and I also feel so guilty for not being able to read it when it first was posted. Still so many years later, the pain your mom went through was, and is, just too hard for me to read about because I saw it in her every single day for years. And I just couldn’t handle it. Please please forgive me for not doing it the right way.

At that time I felt I did the right thing. I somehow managed to block out my own sadness and pain in losing you. My first child. My only daughter. I did not do it on purpose. I did it because I was so afraid, so scared, to lose someone else that I also loved deeply. Your mom. I did say many times to her that it would get better one day. That time would heal. But it was a terrible mistake at that time. I did get angry because I felt helpless. I did not ask for help. I just got more and more frustrated and bitter to see your mom suffering so much.

I did too! Blame myself for losing you. I still do even today. I know I was the reason we had such a hard time getting pregnant. So I still can’t stop thinking it was part of the reason you did not manage to live in this world.

I cannot believe six years have passed being without you. I miss you. But I am also so grateful for having two wonderful boys, your brothers Liam and Nohi. Thank you, Stephanie.

Why am I writing this? Because it is coming back to me now. The time where I tried to block the pain out. Things also changed in my life that does I have to look at myself in a different way.

Maybe I too need a closure to let go of the past? To not feel guilty anymore. To cry out to the world. To let people know a little about where your dad has been and still is in all this. I am also in a place now where I need forgiveness from you and your mom. I am so so sad. I also hope writing it out there will somehow help me get through this hard time. Just like it helped your mom.

With love,

Daddy

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Published in: on May 28, 2014 at 08:00  Comments (3)  

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Hi Tom, How can you think it was your fault that Malou is not here with us today? That is simply not correct. God has his way and we just do not understand it sometimes. You are and always have been, a wonderful husband, loving and caring and I am sure a great daddy to Liam an Nohi. You certainly have been a wonderful friend to me. Nobody can explain to a grieving parent the whys and how to handle things, yourself, your relationship or anything. Both you and Stephanie were deeply hurt and sad, as was I. As I have said to you both before, they way I felt anybody would think it was me who had lost their child or grandchild. I still feel the same. You never get over these feelings, in time you just learn slowly how best for you to learn to live with your feelings. Always remember Tom, you are in my heart always as is your little angel, Malou Amelia.
    Big hugs to you.

  2. Thank you for sharing these thoughts, Daddy of Malou. I am sharing them with my husband, who I think will relate to so much of what you are saying, and who will find some peace in your company. I wish you peace, and healing, and I hope the pain that is coming to the surface now also brings with it some relief. Let the guilt go. If we had the power over life and death, all parents would choose to have our babies live. Your love is deep, we are all imperfect, and I know Malou feels nothing but love for you.

  3. Thank you Carolyn and Liz. It warms my heart..


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