70 days after

“Yes, it can.”

Talking about my marriage.

“Don’t tell me it’s for the best,
because the best would be my healthy daughter alive with me.

Don’t tell me I am strong,
because I have no choice.

Don’t tell me I can have another,
because I want this one.
And because you don’t know if I can.

Don’t tell me time heals all pain,
because time has no meaning.
And you’ve never felt this pain.”

I don’t know if I wrote this or found this somewhere. But it still sums up how I feel. Shallow words of condolence always come from a place of good intentions, but they can only come from someone who hasn’t experienced true loss. Because anyone who has would never say any of the above statements. All I ever wanted was for people to acknowledge Malou – that she lived, even if she died. 

(later)

“I miss you so much, baby. I love you so much. I think about you all the time. I can’t bear to think of my future without you. All I can do is get through one day. I can’t look forward because you’re not there. I just want to look back.”

Much later, I read something that comforted me and gave me the courage to look forward. And it was imagining that once I die, I will see Malou again. So in that way, I can look forward to the future – because only by living (and eventually dying in the future), will I be reunited with her. I realize this thinking doesn’t work for someone who doesn’t believe in the afterlife, and I also realize that it can sound very disturbing to someone who has never lost someone so much that they wanted to die to be with them. But it helped me – to imagine that Malou isn’t just in the past, but also in my future.

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Published in: on January 28, 2012 at 09:00  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. THANK you so much for sharing these, I love reading your honesty and rawness. It’s amazing what you’ve been through……..hugs.

  2. These last 10 entries are all so honestly written, as you always write. It is very interesting re-reading and seeing how you have progressed. There are so many platitudes used in life. I agree with you 100%, only those who have been in this exact position can even halfway understand what you have been/are going through. I know, I for one, loved Malou so much and still think of and acknowledge her quite often. Especially when I see the beautiful dragonflies that come visit me in the back garden sometimes. They are so amazing and their colours so beautiful. I always talk to Malou when they visit.
    My love, as always to you all.
    Carolyn

  3. My Darling Malou Amelia,
    It’s the 28th May, 2012, today now in Australia and I have been thinking of you all the time these past couple of days. I just wanted to send my love to Mama and Daddy again and, of course to you. Our Littlest Angel.
    Love,
    Carolyn


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