About me

I am an American
living in Scandinavia
with my Danish husband.

I love lots of things
including traveling, reading, swimming,
cooking and good wine.

But this blog is mainly about my ups and downs
through grief, infertility
and parenting after loss.

My husband and I
started trying to conceive,
with the help of many doctors,
since January 2007.

On May 28, 2008,
I gave birth to
Malou Amelia
who was stillborn
for unknown reasons
at 32 weeks of gestation.

In June 2009
our 3rd IVF
attempt worked
and on January 29, 2010,
Malou’s
little brother
Liam Johannes
was born alive.

In September 2011,
after two miscarriages
and one failed FET (frozen embryo transfer)
I got pregnant again,
and on May 26, 2012,
gave birth to
another sweet little boy,
born healthy,
Nohi Oliver.

My hope for the future
is to be the best mother
I can be
to all my children,
regain true joy in my life,
and honor
Malou
in all that I do
so that no one ever forgets
my special little girl.

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Published on November 16, 2008 at 02:16  Comments (8)  

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8 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Dear Stephanie,
    I have come across the wonderful video of your sweet daughter Malou, and then I have found this blog. While watching all the wonderful photos the tears were running badly. And I remember my own little daughter. I lost her on October,18 2009 for the reason of strangulation with the umbilical cord (probably) in the 31 st week of pregnancy. Her name is Amelie. I think you are one of the few people who can imagine what my husband and I have had to cope with and how we feel. We have problems to conceive, too. Amelie was given to us via IVF (ICSI). We were so lucky, that already the first attempt had success in April last year. And Amelie gave me so much love. She gave me the luckiest months of my life, and I am very grateful for that. Since her death I am so much afraid of never being a “normal” mother. I am so glad to read that you both are now parents of Malou’s little brother! This really encourages me to have confidence in the fact that I will be the mother of Amelie’s brother or sister some time. We now feel ready for our next IVF attempt, which we are planning to be in the beginning of June this year. I hope very much that we will have the same power and energy as you both to go through a new IVF attempt and then – hopefully – the long time of a second pregnancy. I wish you all the best for your future life as a family and I would be glad to hear from you.

    Best wishes
    Sabine (from Germany)

  2. Dear Sabine,

    I am so sorry about your Amelie. I sympathize with you so much, to have finally have beaten the odds and gotten pregnant with your little miracle only to have her taken away from you. Life is just so unfair sometimes.

    I added Amelie’s name to my In Memory Of page. It’s a beautiful name (but you probably already guessed that I liked it) for a beautiful girl, I am sure.

    Good luck with your upcoming IVF attempt. I hope it also works on the first try again for you. I found it worsened my grief every time a cycle wouldn’t work…but it is worth it in the end. I would be happy to email you and support you any way I can as you start this process again.

    xoxo
    Stephanie

  3. Dear Stephanie,

    thank you for your answer and for adding Amelie’s name in your list (is it possible to add her second name Katharina?)! This really means a lot for me. Yes, I have supposed that you like her name. I am very sorry for my late answer, but we are quite busy at the moment as we are planning to build a house for us and – hopefully – Amelie’s brother or sister. Later, we want to plant a little tree for our little girl in our garden.

    Thank you for your offer to support me during my next IVF attempt. This really honours me, as we don’t know each other yet. However, we are united by the same tragic destiny…
    I already started with the preparing measures, and by the end of next week I will start with stimulation. If you want to contact me please use this E-Mail-address. The other one I gave you two weeks ago is the E-Mail of my company I work for, and I am for 3 weeks off for the time of the IVF.

    I am glad to have come across to you and Malou Amelia, as your destiny and life really encourages me to be able to manage the hard and long way I have to go through and that I will be a “real” mother with children alive some time.

    Sabine

  4. Good luck, Sabine!
    I will contact you.

    PS I love the idea of a tree in your garden for Amelie.

  5. Dear Stephanie,

    just want to tell you, that the IVF last June worked and that on 12 February 2011 Amelie’s little brother Simon Alexander was born. Due to abruption of placenta we almost had lost him, too, but now we are so glad that we can hold him in our arms. He is a so sweet little boy and we are so happy to have him with us. Nevertheless, we have to think of Amelie quite often. We feel that we are a family of 4 persons, not 3. Hope, you are well and you still enjoy your life as a mother.

    Best wishes
    Sabine

  6. Oh, Sabine, thank you for checking in! I am SO glad to hear that you now have a sweet little boy, but how scary that must have been to have a placental abruption. 😦 It can be so terrifying to think of all the things that can go wrong, so I am just so happy for you that Simon ended up ok.

    Life with Liam just keeps getting better and better – but we, too, definitely think of ourselves as a family of 4. I know just what you mean. It is hard to know what to say when people ask if Liam’s our first or only…because despite all appearances, he is neither.

    Take care,
    Stephanie

    PS Liam has started kissing the picture of Malou goodnight – it melts my heart. I hope you too can find ways to let Simon get to “know” and love his big sister Amelie.

  7. Dear Stephanie,
    it’s me again, Sabine, Mama of Amelie (and her tow little brothers Simon and David). I just had to think of Amelie, and then I suddenly had to think of you and your daughter. So, after quite a long time, I`ve come across this site again. I am so lucky to read that Malou’s second little brother was born last May! And I am sad that you had two miscarriages and one failed FET before. You have received Nohi naturally, haven’t you? The same happened to us by the end of June 2011. After two ICSI’s and the pregnancies with Amelie in 2009 and Simon in 2010 I was suddenly pregnant again. Simon was just 4 months at that time. On February 23, 2012 I gave birth to David, Amelies second little brother. Although we would like to have another little daughter, we decided to leave it with this. The last 4 years were very hard for us (and daily life with 2 so little kids is quite hard, too). and we accepted that we have no energy to another pregnancy any more. However, I must admit, that, if someone could give me the guarantee, that the next baby will be another girl, I would even try it once again. But there is no guarantee of course… I am so glad that I am now the mother of 2 children alive (when I wrote you the first time I had so much fear that I never would be a “real” mother). Our little boys give us so much love and happiness. Nevertheless we have to think of Amelie each single day.

    I wish you all the best
    Sabine

  8. Dear Sabine,

    It is so wonderful to hear from you and I am so happy to know that you have two healthy boys now. I agree pregnancy (not to mention the daily life) makes the thought of attempting a fourth child daunting. I would be happy to have another some day but I have made my peace with the thought that I may be done. Liam and Nohi give me more joy than I thought possible and that in itself is a gift.

    Thank you so much for checking in. Oh, and yes! Nohi was a natural little miracle!

    Love,
    Stephanie


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