Happy 4th Birthday, Malou Amelia!

There is no
full circle for me.

But it has been four years.

Malou Amelia
has been buried in the ground
7 times longer
than  she was alive in my womb.

She has been dead for all of her birthdays.
Every single one.

Now that doesn’t seem fair, does it?
Of course not,
because it isn’t.

My poor baby.
I wish she was here
for me to love and cuddle and kiss.

I wish she was here
so I could bake her a cake
and watch her face light up
at all the candles.

But she’s not.

But her little brothers are.

As I write this now,
her little brother Liam is napping
and her other little brother,
due to arrive right before her birthday,
is gently kicking me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
I constantly breathe to the universe…
in my thoughts, my tears, my laughter…

I am so grateful.

I know how lucky I am.

But it doesn’t mean I have come
full circle.

My family is still incomplete.
It always will be.
It doesn’t matter how many children we have,
none can replace
Malou Amelia.

I am so grateful to have had her
for the short time we did,
but I am also still so sad
that she is always missing
and there is nothing I can do about it.

***

I wrote the above just a few weeks before
Malou’s
birthday.

I wanted to schedule it
to automatically post on her actual birthday
as I knew (well, hoped)
I’d be busy tending to her
little brother.

But I never scheduled it
because I was scared.

And superstitious.

As if,
by scheduling it,
I may jinx my
good luck
and something would happen
to baby brother as well.

Thank goodness that wasn’t the case.

I spent the anniversary
of the day
Malou
died,
the 26th of May,
laboring her precious
little brother.

I spent the night alone
with my thoughts
in the hospital…
remembering how four years before
I was in the hospital as well,
unknowingly spending my last moments
with my beloved daughter.

I prayed my son
would make it through that night
and he did.

Just before 10 in the morning,
with four easy pushes (or so)
little Nohi
arrived safe and sound.

We were able to leave
the hospital the same day.

As I announced on Facebook,

“4 years ago today
Malou Amelia
died.
4 hours ago today,
her little brother was born.
From now on,
this is going to be a
Good Day!”

And I mean it.

I want to reclaim that date…
May 26th
represents life and happiness and goodness
for me again.

I want to leave
the sad power of that day
in the past.

From now on
it is a day of celebration.

Not that we will forget…
but every time
Nohi has a birthday,
I can look at him
and
be grateful…

that we survived,
kept going,
and the universe
gave us something
beyond wonderful
to replace the something
beyond sad
that it once was.

We still have the 28th of May
to celebrate
Malou Amelia…
that’s her day,
her birthday.

This year, we took
both of her brothers,
along with grandma, auntie and uncle,
to visit her at her grave.

Then we had some ice cream
on the nearby lake.

Later on in the evening,
I made her a cake.

I couldn’t bring myself
to ask anyone to sing
Happy Birthday.

I do that
in my head
for her.

For me,
it’s just too sad
to sing to her in heaven.

So I think it instead.

It was a pretty emotional day
for me,
cuddling my brand new boy,
dark-haired like his sister,
and remembering that
four years before
I was cuddling my firstborn,
dark-haired beauty.

My head filled with all the
could-have
and
should-have-beens.

And I cried.

But no matter how much
I wish my complete family
was here in the flesh,
I know there is nothing
I can do about it.

So I try to count my blessings
and
always,
always,
include
my girl
in those.

Here is 2-day old Nohi visiting Malou on her birthday

Grateful

Malou’s family

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*Boys*

Warning: This post is about a pregnancy.
I wrote it in February but I for some reason never published it, so here it is now after the safe arrival of Malou’s second little brother. 

I am overjoyed
to be pregnant again.

It is very different this time.

Very different from being pregnant with
Malou
and with Liam.

I am now a “working mom”…
so my days are very full.

I don’t have the time to
think about every little move
this baby makes.

Maybe that’s a good thing.
Probably.

As I worry less.

My biggest fears were in the beginning,
but that is because
I had two miscarriages
(one at 5 weeks and one at 9 weeks)
earlier last year.

Both were spontaneous pregnancies,
as was this little boy moving inside me right now.

Hard to believe, right?
After all our struggles
to get pregnant with Liam?

Months of hormones, IUI and eventually IVFs…

Anyways,
I was very worried I would miscarry again.

But fortunately
this baby has given me nothing
but peace of mind,
with not a single bit of spotting
(something all of my other pregnancies have had,
at least a bit)
and with lots and lots of movement!

I am over half way now…
almost 24 weeks.

I have made a lot of plans
for our future,
for this baby’s future…
sometimes that feels scary,
usually it feels good.

Exciting.
Hopeful.

But not the same.
I am not naive,
like I was when pregnant with
Malou.

I am not terrified,
like I was when pregnant with
Liam.

I am cautious,
but not overly so.

I am anxious,
but it is manageable.

Surprisingly,
I am finding I have more anxiety and worry
about something happening to
Liam
than I do about something happening to
his little brother.

A part of me feels guilty about this,
as if I don’t love baby boy #2 as much.

But I know this isn’t true.

Another part of me feels guilty
that I (still) want another daughter.

I am incredibly happy
to be having a seemingly healthy baby boy,
and really excited to see him and Liam
grow up together,
and hopefully be good friends,
as they will be less than 2.5 years apart.

But as happy and excited I am about that,
I can tell I am still grieving
the loss of a daughter.

Having another girl
would in no way make up for
the loss of
Malou.

But it would give us the chance
to raise a daughter.

An experience
I feel I lost.

I don’t like it when people tell me
how much easier boys are
(during the teenage years, at least ;))…
as if I should be happy I am having
another boy for this reason.

I am happy to be pregnant.
Period.

I am happy to be having a
(by all indications, so far)
a healthy baby.
Period.

I am happy we were lucky enough
to get pregnant naturally.
Period.

It has nothing to do with
the gender.

And everything to do with
appreciating the miracle of life.

Published in: on July 16, 2012 at 22:01  Leave a Comment  
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