19 days after

“Oh, Malou, I am sitting on a deserted dock looking out at the calm water, the beautiful trees, the clouds which have been so unusual lately…and I am thinking about you. Of course. I am always thinking of you, my beautiful daughter. I wish you were here with me. Life would be perfect then.

I think, I hope, I am feeling your presence now. In all things beautiful and from nature. In the pouring rain and the warm sunshine. In the birds chirping, the water lapping, the wind blowing. In the clouds moving and in a rainbow appearing.

Today is the first dy I have felt any type of happiness since you died. I shared your name and pictures and my love for you on the website I’ve been visiting … everyone saw how beautiful you are, and saw my love and your daddy’s love shine through for you. That made me happy. To show you off. I am so proud of you, so proud to be your mama, my sweetheart.”

I refer to a website that I still visit occasionally…one other woman had lost a baby and she was my lifeline. Having other women validate my pain and look at pictures of Malou and tell me that they, too, thought she was beautiful and special, made my day. I remember so clearly feeling for the first time like a proud mama, and not “just” a dead-baby-mama. 

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Published in: on January 21, 2012 at 09:00  Leave a Comment  
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