14 days after

“Oh, Malou, I just saw my “to-do” list of things to do before you were born. 😦 It makes me so sad, that I don’t need to do it all anymore….”

(tears smudge the page)

“Your dad and I went to the hospital today —

Oh, FUCK IT! None of it matters. It’s all so fucking pointless. I HATE this! I hate my life. I hate knowing I have to live my life without Malou. I hate that I have no choice. I hate my body. For betraying me. For losing Malou. For reminding me of what I am – a mother without a child to love and hold in my arms.

I am nothing without you, Malou! I want you. I need you. Oh, my sweet daughter, you, your short life, knowing you, being your mama – it is ALL worth it, but I don’t want this pain. I want you so bad I can’t stand it. I just don’t know how to live without you. My whole life seems so pointless right now. My prior life seems pointless now. How was I ever happy without you??? What was life worth without you in it? NOTHING. You are my daughter. This is NOT RIGHT. This is a horrible mistake and I am so angry about it. I want you back right now!!! Do you hear me, God!? Give my baby back to me!!

Oh, please please please.
It’s not fair.

Oh, Malou, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lost you. I’m sorry for being angry. But never at you. You are perfect and I know you love me and that you know I love you above all else.”

This started the second theme in my grief…anger. I was so angry. Especially at my body. I never got truly angry at God, or at the doctors (although when I think back now, I do think they could have done more to take care of Malou when I was admitted to the hospital, and I feel they were irresponsible when giving me the medicine Diclon three times throughout my pregnancy)…almost all of my anger was directed at my body. This was compounded when I struggled to get pregnant again. It took us a year after Malou died to get pregnant with Liam – and a lot of fertility treatments. Every time a treatment failed, I would rage against my body. For failing me yet again.

Published in: on January 19, 2012 at 09:00  Comments (1)  

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. These posts are hitting so close to home and could very well be excerpts from my own diary, my own personal hell.

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