6 days after

“My life feels as if it has ended. My future was with my precious daughter, every moment of my future had her in it, and now she is gone. How can I live without her? My heart is broken and I don’t think it can ever be healed…

I would do anything to bring her back. If only this is a nightmare I can wake up from. I couldn’t fathom it during her labor Monday and Tuesday – it was too unimaginable – too big – too much loss – to possibly accept that it was real. But now I know it is and I am just so sad. Devastated. Hopeless…

Oh, God, this is just so wrong. I KNOW it is not meant to be. It was a horrible mistake. And it hurts so bad – nothing has ever been so pad. I pray to God nothing ever is again – that this is as bad as it gets…

Why my baby, God? We loved her so much – everything I did, I did for her. To take care of her inside me – and then I let her dwn. She died in my womb, my loving womb – why couldn’t I protect her???”

This started a theme for me, in the early days of my grief. I struggled so much to understand, asking God over and over Why? After many months, I accepted that God didn’t want this to happen, and that not everything in this life is in His control. And that’s when I stopped talking to God for quite awhile. I also struggled with Why us? I couldn’t care less about others at this point…I wished it had happened to anyone except us, even knowing the pain they would feel. I often say grief doesn’t bring out the best in me, and this is one way. I would have sacrificed anyone or anything if it meant Malou would be alive. 3.5 years later, I don’t feel that way. It stopped after I had Liam. Not because I love Liam more, but because for the first time, there was someone in my life who I loved just as much. I have also come a long way in accepting Malou’s death. Not understanding Why or Why us, but accepting that this is the way it is. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else anymore. Not even the smoking, yelling pregnant ladies with four other small children running around her that I used to see out and about – and judge, if I am being honest. 

Published in: on January 16, 2012 at 09:00  Leave a Comment  

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