20 months and 1 day

Liam is 20 months
and 1 day old today.

Exactly the age
Malou Amelia
would have been
on the day Liam was born.

I remember thinking,
it would have been tough,
but we could do it.

Oh, how I wanted two babies
under two in my arms.

I missed
Malou
then
but I didn’t know what I was missing
on that day.

I didn’t know what
a 20-month-old (plus one day)
could do.

I didn’t know
she would have had
such strong opinions,
likes and dislikes…

and would know exactly
how to convey that to us.

I didn’t know
she would have been able
to say
“ta da!” while holding up her arms and grinning proudly.

I didn’t know
she would have been able
to make me laugh like no one else
just by giving me a certain “look.”

I didn’t know
she would be able to say
“mama”
and would always say it
with a smile.

I didn’t know
her whole body
would shake with delight
when her daddy came in the door.

I didn’t know
she would have been able
to recognize babies
in real life, tv, books and pictures
and always say in the sweetest voice,
“A baby!”

I didn’t know she would
be obsessed with playing ball,
and be a better soccer player than me
already.

And I guess I still don’t know any of that.

All I can compare her to is
Liam.

Daily
his dad and I look at each other
and smile,
and say how amazed we are
that he came from us.
How it is so hard to imagine
the world without him in it.

And yet,
that is how we live
without
Malou Amelia
every day.

 We live in a world
without her in it
and it is still so hard to fathom.

As I see
Liam grow up
I realize more and more
how much we are missing
Malou.

It’s not so much that the pain
is still as intense,
but the knowledge
of what could have been
makes it even harder
to accept.

My world broke apart
on the day she died,
and I didn’t even know
what I was missing.

It was enough to know
I would miss her.

But now I see that I am also
missing
getting to know her
and
who she would have been.

And that makes me sad.
Still.

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I know, I just know.
    xo

  2. It is amazing how much a little one learns in such a short time and how much joy they bring you. You can only imagine the little things Malou might have done or said that would always be peculiar to her but one thing I know for sure is that she was loved so very much in her short life and continues to be loved everafter.
    Love,
    Carolyn

  3. Your story has profoundly touched my sensitive spirit. I have not physically lost a daughter, but 4 years ago my then 11year old Melody who had since the moment if her her birth had always been very close to me. She would even sleep with me although she had her own room. We were like two in one. One day my little girl turns around and said to me”Mom I want to move with my eldest sister and her husband , because I love my sister and she lives close to Disney World and you are always at the nursing home taking care of grandma. You see my mom was very ill and fragil suffering from neurapathy and dementia and I needed to be there as often as I could to give her the love and support that she deserved. So, I agreed to give my eldest daughter temporary guardianship of my Melody until my mom would pass away and then I was suppose to move from Nj to Florida. During the time was in the nursing hime until her passing I would travel to and from New Jersey to Florida and Melody would come to Nj during her school vacations, however, I noticed that the little girl who had left my side at 11years old was no longer the same, she was growing into a beautiful, talented and gifted young lady,but something seemed strange about her. You see the Melody that left my side had always been very happy and afectionate, but the Melody that was now before my eyes, was distant, aloof, withdrawn. She seemed only to interested in talking with her friends or reading a book, but definately she showed not a bit interested in showing me not.even an ounce if affection. One time I went to give her a goodnight kiss and she pushed me away, that action of hers completely shattered my heart into pieces. It hurt so bad,as if a knife was being stuck in my throat. But I never gave up hope. My dream was to reunite with her and was again bond like we had always done, before her depsrture. So after 1 year after my moms passing, packe 2 suitcases gave away all my belongings and left Nj for the sunshine state Florida, in hopes of once again bonding like we once did. In hopes of being one two instead of two separate individuals, but, sadly Melody us still the same. She is still showing no affection or love towards me, but I still dream of the day when by a miracle if God, I will recieve a “Hello mommy” “I love you”. I would be happy with a simple call from her or sweet embrace, a small token of appreciation, anything is better than nothing. The worst part of this whole situation is the silence, the lonliness. Is as if I am mourning not only the loss,of my mom, but alsoe t, also the child that left side and now is this strange, young, beautiful, intelligent young woman, almost turning 15, tthis April 29th 2012, whom I would give anything in this world to have a chance to not only be her her loving mother, but also be her best friend. I pray that the lord hears my plea and finds mercy to grant me this unfulfilled wish, before it is too late. I am not young anymore and I have alot of health issues, therefore, I feel that time is of the essence. i don’t want to leave this world without my sweet daughter’s embrace. This dedicated to all the mothers in this world who are experiencing lack of affection from their teenage daughters and it is especially dedicated to my Melody. Love you no matter what perhaps someday when you are much older and you have a child of your own you will understand what it is to have a mother who would give everything for the love of her child.

    swere and that she would never be without my love and support.


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