Just a day

3 years ago
today
was the worst day of my life,
as it is the day that
I found out
Malou’s
heart had stopped beating.

2 years ago
today
I was one day
pregnant
with Liam,
so even though I didn’t know it
at the time,
it was one of the best days
of my life.

1 year ago today
I had Liam in my arms
and there isn’t much
that is better than that.

And today
I found out some of the best news
I could hope to hear
(but it’s not my news to share,
so I will wait to share it)
AND
Tom and I won a week-long trip
to southern Europe
from a magazine
running a competition
about love stories.

So today, too,
is one of the better/best days
of my life.

I like to think
Malou
has a little something
to do with it all.

That she doesn’t want me
to be defined
by the worst day of my life,
but instead celebrate
that life goes on…

no matter what.

Sometimes that thought is comforting
and other times it is terrifying.

But three years later
I am starting to realize
that days and dates don’t have power.

I think of
Malou,
I love
Malou,
I miss
Malou
every single day.

So all the other dates
that I associate with her
don’t make me “more” sad.

They are just another day.

On her 3rd birthday
this Saturday
we will celebrate her dad’s birthday…
he will blow out her candles,
again.

It’s not how we want it,
but it’s how it is.

***

Last night
at midnight
Liam woke up screaming
and writhing in pain.

We couldn’t comfort him
and so we called urgent care
who told us to come right in.

By the time we arrived
only 10 minutes later
he was fine.

But my brain couldn’t let go of the date,
worried that something
was really truly wrong
(instead of just gas and teething pain).

My fear started to overwhelm me,
Oh, God, no,
I can’t lose two babies,
please don’t let
May 26th be the day
my world falls apart again.

 And thankfully it wasn’t.

Instead
later today
we received two bits of
wonderful news.

And I have to remember,
it’s just a day.

It’s just a day.

Even though it’s the day
my baby girl
died,
it’s just a day.

My dear girl, Malou Amelia. I remember you every single day. I think about what you might have been like and looked like, I imagine what it would be like to hug you and have you hug me back, to tell you I love you and hear you say you love me too. I say your name aloud when I am alone, just to hear it. To imagine that I am talking to you. There are no words for how much I miss you and want you in my arms. There are no words to describe how devastated I was 3 years ago today. But I am so very thankful that you are my daughter, and that gives me happiness. Not joy, because the grief won’t allow it, but I am truly happy and grateful that you are my little girl. You were a newborn baby in my mind for a long time, but now you are starting to grow up. I can see you as a three-year-old and I miss that part of you too. You are loved and missed, my sweet girl, and your family is thinking of you and sending so many prayers up to you today and always, so you can feel our love. Love from your mama

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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I’m so glad to hear you having this recognition, that this is just another day. Of course, it’s a hard one, and I so wish it weren’t. But it is heartening to hear you, just a year ahead of me on this path of grieving and loving our missing little ones, say this. I am also realizing that grief is a daily event and many dates are already fading a bit, softening around the edges.

    Of course it doesn’t mean it isn’t brutal when the grief surges. Just that you are finding your own flow rather than having the calendar set your mood. I think this is progress. And I think you are phenomenally strong and insightful. Your kids are lucky to have you.
    xo

  2. You are so amazing and so strong Steph…stronger than anyone wishes they had a need to be I’m sure. But even with having to maybe “force” yourself to be that strong over these last few years, it was always still a part of you. And you have given your kids such a wonderful gift, a mother who is so compassionate and has so much strength. And they have that strength too, in one way or another.

    Thinking of you a lot today. I’m very glad you got two good pieces of news, and just a “little* curious about the one 🙂 I hope both things help to make this weekend better. Love and hugs to all of the Christiansens.

  3. This is so beautiful. I admire your strength, determination, and most of all, your love for your children. Malou and Liam are lucky to have you.

  4. It’s almost unreal that it was 3 years ago your little angel was born. You were all in my heart on 26thy but I decided to wait till today to write so you see this on Malou’s birthday. You write so beautifully and tell the truth perfectly. You have all been in my prayers every night since we spoke the other week so I am hoping your news is what I am hoping :- We will wait and see. Malou Amelia lives on in my heart too and every time I have a dragonfly visit I am sure it is her popping in and I talk out loud to her.
    Love to you all
    Carolyn

  5. Beautifully said my sweet girl.

    Much love to you all.

  6. Beautiful, just beautiful. Your words are such therapy for me and I love the way you write.
    If you look at my blog today, you will see a little project I have participated in and this post fits just perfectly with the theme. You’re right, it is just a day. And on August 18 this year, the day Hope died, I will try and channel some of your positivity as inspiration.
    xo

  7. Thinking of Malou today. Everyday is a day to remember. So beautifully written, Stephanie.


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