More on normal

More of a question…

Is this normal?

I can imagine the worst
with
Liam.

I don’t even want to write
what that means.

But it petrifies me,
and makes me want to
crumble to the floor
at just the briefest
thought – which is always
pushed away
as fast as possible.

Why does my mind
torture me?

Why doesn’t it protect me,
and bathe me in a cocoon
of denial?

Why can’t life
really be safe and predictable
and why
can’t we be assured
that bad things
can’t happen to
good people?

I wish I had the answers.

So tell me,
dear readers,
my dear fellow mamas
both in loss and not…

Am I crazy?
Or is this (sometimes) paralyzing fear
just a part of loving
your child more than
life itself?

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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Not crazy, honey. Just a fiercely loving parent. I think parental love makes us more vulnerable than we have ever been, and losing a child makes us irreversibly aware of that vulnerability. The combination is a hard one to carry, but you are doing it with panache.

  2. What Liz said. I wish life were safe and predictable too and don’t understand why it’s not either. I wish I had the answers for you, but I do know that you’re not crazy – just an incredibly amazing mother who has been through the unthinkable but still keeps generating such deep and powerful love for both her children.

    Lots of love,
    Stacey

  3. I have visions of losing Angus or terrible things happening to Angus all the time. I’ll pass a truck on the road, then at the next set of lights, I am fully imagining that truck crashing in to us. Or I’ll walk past a tall man in the street and next minute, I am imagining him plucking Angus from the pram and running off with him. Or just generally worrying about him falling over at home and hitting his head. It can be relentless, but I am able to tune it out and switch it off when it happens.
    I know all mothers worry, but I do think we have it worse. We already know how bad it can be and we can imagine just how awful it would be to lose another one.

  4. Thanks, ladies. It’s nice to know I am not alone in these scary thoughts.

  5. I was JUST talking to Hunter about this a day or two ago! On the span of a couple of minutes, I worried that I was having a miscarriage (for absolutely no reason at all) and I worried that Eleanor had been too quiet asleep in her crib and that something was terribly wrong. I told Hunter that I am damaged and he said yes, that we always will be. So you are not crazy, or if you are at least you’re not the only one. 😉

  6. These are all really normal feelings, I am sure, that every parent has at one time or another. As we get older (and wiser) we see the forthcoming possible dangers but it is our job to divert our children and ourselves from that danger without alarming them. It is a difficult job. “To scare or not to scare?” That is the question! And “How much?” We all remember the terrible times but luckily we remember the good times too and believe you me, I know how hard it can be to keep the good memories at the forefront. You are a great mom Steph. Liam is so lucky to have you.
    big hugs,
    Carolyn

  7. I don’t know what normal is either… I think about it a lot and wonder what kind of mom I’d be with Owen here alive and well. I just don’t know.
    I have a lot of scary thoughts about things happening to Hannah too. It’s really hard to handle sometimes, but I try to remind myself of how important it is to stay in the present. Enjoy the now… but it’s hard.

    love and prayers,
    ebe


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