Normal

What is normal?
Normal is always changing,
for all of us.

A lot of people
told me after losing
Malou
that they don’t know how I do it.

Not knowing that,
without a choice,
a new normal just creates itself.

All it requires
is a beating heart
and
breathing in and out.

Automatic bodily functions
that happen without our control
(or even desire).

And pretty soon
life keeps moving
and things keep happening
and time passes by
and before you know it
your new normal
is
just plain
normal.

I was out at a work function
last weekend
and for the first time in
a really long time…
maybe since
Malou
was born…
I felt normal.

Usually
I am thinking of
Malou
or thinking of
others who may be thinking of
Malou,
wondering if when they look at me,
they are thinking to themselves,
“Isn’t that the woman
whose baby died?”

But even though
I am back to work
in a new team,
a lot of people
know of
Malou.

But yet
I didn’t feel like
the girl
with the elephant in the room.

I just felt
normal.

In fact,
I didn’t even think of
Malou
all that night…
until I was coming home,
and then I realized
how “normal” I felt.

And then I felt strange.

Go figure.

Oh, Malou, I never wanted this to be my normal life. I wanted you for so long and I still long for you. I feel like you are the missing key…so many things would be so much better with you here in this world. Your daddy and your brother and I think of you and talk about you every day. We love you so much, sweetheart. And we miss you. Even though we are getting accustomed to this life of ours without you in it physically, it doesn’t mean that we are forgetting you. You and your brother are the biggest and most important part of my life. You are here with us – your family – always and forever, in our hearts and in our memories and we will carry you into our future by the strength of our love for you.