Who’s a big boy now?

Liam turned 1.

Malou
didn’t even live long enough
to survive
the day of her birth…

now Liam has been here
for two of his birthdays.

For which I am forever thankful.

But I can’t help that think
Liam is now the big brother.

He still has his “little brother” shirts,
he was still born 2 calendar years after
Malou
but for some reason
he feels like the big brother to me now.

He’s walking, babbling,
smiling, laughing,
cuddling, kissing,
teasing, playing…

he’s living.

For which I am forever thankful.

He’s achieved all of these things
Malou
never got the chance to do.

So even though
she IS the big sister,
she is starting to feel like the
little sister to me instead.

I’m not sure how I feel about that.

When we put Liam to bed,
we always say goodnight to
the picture of
Malou
and play the music on her snow globe.

We always say,
“Say goodnight to your big sister,
Malou” –
well, at least Tom does.

I keep slipping
and wanting to call her little sister,
so instead I’ve started
saying goodnight to
“Little Malou.”

Because she remains the same in my eyes.

I can’t picture her growing up.

I want to,
I just can’t seem to get there.

I try to imagine
how she would look,
what she would sound like,
how she would be.

And it’s just so hard.

She’s just my little baby
and always will be…

***

Liam got a birthday gift
from some friends.

We see these people only a few times a year,
so it was really sweet that they even
remembered that it was Liam’s birthday.

But what was even sweeter,
which touched me more than I can say,
is that they told Tom
they stopped by
Malou’s
grave on the way over to our house.

And that they’ve visisted her
several times before.

I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

They never even saw me pregnant…
and yet they visit my daughter
at her grave.

What a gift.

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Published in: on February 9, 2011 at 20:39  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. A beautiful gift indeed. As are both of your children.
    Happy birthday gorgeous Liam.
    We tend to think of Hope the same way around here. She seems like the little sister now. Our forever baby.
    xo

  2. Liam is such a big boy! This year has flown by, I’m sure. Happy birthday, Liam!

    I tend to do that same thing in my head- I think baby brother Owen, but he is the BIG brother. It feels so weird. He rarely ages in my mind, except for those instances when I let myself wonder and imagine what it would be like to have him here alive and well.

    Big hugs, and love,
    ebe

  3. Yup, me three. I thought it was because I’ve been saying ‘little brother’ to his older sister, but now I call him that to his little sister too. He is a baby: they are growing up. Ouch yet again.


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