A perfect life

Nothing’s perfect.
I know that.
But I can’t help but think
of what could have been.

My life could have been perfect.

But who deserves that?
No one really,
certainly not little old me.

But I don’t know why
Malou
has to be the one thing missing.

I would give up almost anything else
in exchange for her.

I feel like
if she were here
Life really would be perfect.
She is all that is missing.

And it’s not like with other things…
I can never get her back.

So I guess I can never have
that life I always dreamed of.

I’m not saying this to get
sympathy
and I don’t mean to convey
this with any sense of self-pity
because I don’t feel that.

I know I am so very lucky
in a lot of ways.

But I feel sadness and
such an intense longing
for my daughter
and I feel sorry that
she never got the chance
to breathe in this wonderful world of ours.

I don’t know why
she got short-changed.

On this new year’s eve
I am making
my cousin Emily’s
yummy chocolate chip cookies
while Liam is napping outside
and
I am looking forward
to a great party tonight
with family and friends…

but yet I am sad.

Because
Malou
is missing.

She should be here
helping me stir the batter.

I can see it so clearly.

The life I should be leading.

I’m so sorry you are not here, Malou, as we usher in another new year without you. I feel like I let you down even though I did everything I could to protect you. I find some comfort in thinking that your short life was perfect. You only felt warmth and contentment and you spread more joy in your short life than most people do in a lifetime.
We miss you so much and we will be thinking of you when the fireworks go off at midnight tonight…you continue to light up our world, baby girl.

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Published in: on December 31, 2010 at 15:19  Comments (4)  

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I’m sorry she’s not there to eat the batter and watch the fireworks with you. She did have a perfect life, knew only love and the warmth of your body. Still, I wish it could have been a longer perfection.
    xo

  2. Thanks, Liz.
    I was just coming here to update. We went out to a big party at a restaurant and Liam somehow managed to fall asleep in his pram. When I was checking on him, the waiter asked me about him, and amongst other questions he asked if Liam was my first. I said no. So of course he asked how old my other child was. And I answered, she should have been 2 and a half but she died. And then he told me that he has 3 sons, but his first died when he was only 5 months old. I am so sad for him but yet I am so grateful I mentioned Malou and that we had that little connection – and that we both could think of our sweet firstborns on this new year’s eve.
    Love to you and Jasper and S and L. xoxo

  3. Dear Stephanie!!!

    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LIGHTING A CANDLE ON INES BIRTHDAY!!! AND THANK YOU FOR READING ME AND FOR ALL YOUR WORDS OF SUPPORT. YOU MAKE MY LIFE SPECIAL EVEN THOUGHT YOU ARE FAR AWAY. MY BEST WISHES FOR THIS NEW YEAR TO YOUR WHOLE FAMILY AND FRIENDS.

    I get you so well, because new year’s eve made me think HOW MUCH I could give away to get her here with me and those ocassions also make me think how much I feel her absence.

    HUGS AND KISSES

    Mariana.

  4. I understand, totally. I felt terribly melancholy on New Year’s Eve. I always feel like I am leaving her further behind when the new year clicks over. 2008 sounds like such a long time ago now, doesn’t it?
    xo


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