32 years

Today I am 32 years old.

It is my 3rd birthday without
Malou
here.

I was pregnant with her on my 29th.

I remember exactly what I was wearing,
because I thought it showed off my
9-week-pregnant belly…

So I have a picture of me
cradling
Malou
in my belly
on that day.

I was SO incredibly happy,
and imagined the big 3-0
the following year,
with her in my arms.

Obviously that didn’t happen.

I remember cradling
Liam
in my belly
last year on my 31st.

My only birthday wish
was that he would arrive safely.

And that happened,
for which I am more grateful
every day,
as the more I get to know him,
the more I love him
(I didn’t know that was possible).

Hmmm…if I really believed wishes came true,
I would be wishing for
Malou
to come home
this year.

So I wouldn’t have to live
any more birthdays without her.

Time feels like it is going so fast.

It is scary.

Liam is growing up,
11 months today.

Malou’s life,
short as it was,
is getting farther away from my present.

She is staying in the past,
no matter how hard I try to
bring her into my present
every day.

I don’t want to leave her behind.

But time is marching forward.

And sometimes
it feels like
it is leaving her behind
despite my protests.

But she is a part of me
and I can never her let her go.

One thought that gave me comfort
in my darkest days
after
Malou
died
was that each new day
wasn’t leaving her farther behind,
but was rather bringing me
closer to her…
since each day I lived
was one day closer to my own death.

Yes…
that was comforting.
It still is to an extent,
as disturbing as that may be to people
who haven’t really experienced
grief and therefore
can’t understand.

But now that I have her brother to live for,
I want to slow time
and cherish even more than I already do
every single moment we have together.

Because I know
how suddenly it can all be taken away.

Oh, boy…maybe I will have two wishes this year.

But come to think of it,
they are the same wishes
I have in my heart every day.

Oh, Malou, I wish you were here to help me blow out my candles. I love you so much, sweet girl. I miss you every day, but especially this holiday season, when your absence is felt so much. You should be here with us, helping your little brother open his Christmas gifts and helping your mommy eat her chocolate cake. xoxo

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Published in: on December 29, 2010 at 09:00  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Happy birthday, dear Steph. Our stories really are so similar. I will be 32 in September. I had my 29th birthday just four weeks after Hope was born, so I’ve already had three birthdays without her. I remember carrying Angus last year on my 30th. I was 30 weeks pregnant with him. It was such a blessing to have him here with me on my 31st.
    Every day I wish our girls were here. Every day, I wish I could slow down and speed up time. Every day, I want both my children.
    xo

  2. Happy birthday, Stephanie. Your post speaks so much to me. My birthday is in 2 days – I will be 33. I never imagined I’d turn 33 without having a live child to care for. I’ve always hated having a birthday this time of year and last year at this time as I was coming up on the half way point of my pregnancy and just starting to feel Naveen move, I was dreaming about how wonderful it would be to have a baby here on my next birthday to help me celebrate. It didn’t happen for me either.

    I wish birthday wishes could come true too. I wish Malou was here with you to celebrate and that you would never have to wish time forward but would be able to enjoy the full unadulterated joy of the present moment with both of your beautiful children opening Christmas presents and helping you eat your birthday cake.

    Sending you much love and peace on your 32nd birthday.

  3. Happy birthday. I’m so sorry that Malou is not here in person to celebrate with you.
    Like you and Sally, I was pregnant with my girls on my 29th birthday. I was over the moon and thought that I’d be celebrating my 30th with my little girls.
    You’ve described so perfectly that tension between wanting time to speed forward, it has comforted me to think that as time passes I get closer to wherever it is that my little girl went, and wanting to preserve every second with our living children.


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