I want to go back there…

I want to go back
to being
unreservedly happy.

I want to go back
to the world where
Malou
is still alive.

I want
Malou
to be in my world
right now,
in the room
right next to her
brother’s.

I want to go back
to the moment
I held her,
as painful as it was.

It was also beautiful.

I visited
Malou’s
grave yesterday
and talked to her.

I was alone,
a rarity these days.

It felt nice
for just the two of us
to be together
alone.

I told her we moved,
I told her we loved her
and missed her,
I told her
I hoped she didn’t understand
why I was crying,
that she could only feel
love and happiness,
warmth and comfort,
peace and contentment.

I told her
we’d never forget her,
I told her that
I bet she’d be a better
big sister
than I ever was
(I believe I hit Hank
when mom brought him home
from the hospital,
and I asked mom if we could switch
Zach with a baby girl
when he was born…),
and I called her
my sweet pea.

Sometimes
I just want to go back.

I don’t want to start over
the whole process of
Grieving…

because I feel like
I have come a long way
and that I have more good days
than bad.

I enjoy
being able to talk about
Malou
without it always being sad.

But, oh my God,
how I would love to hold her again.

One more time.

Stroke her hair,
hold her cheek against mine,
feel her fingers grip around my own.

I’m not even asking
to feel her warm breath
on my cheek,
or her heart pounding those
quick baby-beats…
things I never, ever, ever
take for granted with
Liam
(in fact, I am always
compelled to give a silent
prayer of thanks
every single time).

I just want to see her again.
To hold her again.

I want to go back to that time…

I want to go back to this
type of happiness…

Don’t get me wrong…
this

is happiness.

No question.
Liam makes life wonderful
in a way I didn’t know was possible.

But
Malou
is still missing
in our daily family life…

here she is represented
in her daddy’s cross necklace
(and I also like to think
in the sun streaming
over us)
but we want her HERE.

We want her with us.

I guess that will never change.

But as my elderly neighbor,
who lost her 9 year old daughter
in a tragic car accident
many years ago,
said,
Life can still be good.

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Can we go back together? I want to go back there too.
    xo

  2. I know that same longing too – I’d love to go back and just hold Naveen one more time even if it still meant he couldn’t live or stay. I love that you can see Malou in your family picture through her daddy’s necklace and the rays of sunshine. It’s absolutely clear to me that her presence and love is always there with all of you. Sending you good thoughts and love. xoxo

  3. I still think almost everyday in past Christmas Eve. I was fully happy at 38 weeks pregnant. I really want to go back to that event.

  4. Thinking of you and missing you, sis. xo


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