DOA

We are getting ready to move
and Tom came across
some paperwork about
Malou
and asked (wisely)
if he could throw it away.

I have such a hard time
letting go of anything
having to do with
Malou.

I did agree
to toss
the receipts from
the cemetery,
which we receive twice a year.

But I couldn’t let go
of her cute little pink
birth announcement from the hospital,
even though they had a big stamp on it
that said
“Dødfødt pige”
which literally means,
“Deadborn girl.”

I hated that,
that they wouldn’t write her name.

She has a name,
even if she was born dead.

Anyways,
I also found my
birthing chart,
which I don’t remember ever seeing before.

There is a little box
that says,
“Presentation”
and DOA was written there.

My heart about broke.
Again.

My sweet precious baby daughter,
dead on arrival.

But not dead, never dead,
in my heart.

She lives on
and I hope she always will.

My dear girl, we are getting ready to leave the home you were miraculously conceived in, the home we prepared for you, the only home you ever knew or will know. I am sad to leave my memories of you, but I know they will stay with me, even if I don’t see reminders every day. We will make a special place for you in our new home. We love you sooo much, sweetheart.

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Published in: on September 15, 2010 at 09:32  Comments (4)  
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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. We never even got a birth announcement card from the hospital. I guess she didn’t qualify. I do remember seeing that my apgars were 0 and 0 though. Gee, thanks for that. Stating the obvious much?
    I wish you well with your move. We will have to move from our house soon and like you, this was the only house Hope knew. I get shivers thinking about it, but no plans just yet.
    xo

  2. It is so hard to leave memories behind but you have to remember, they are “memories” so you can really take them with you…It is a great time to move into your new home with your other precious bundle, Liam. So many good memories to come.
    Big Hugs,
    Carolyn

  3. Thinking of you, Stephanie. xoxoxo

  4. I’m updating this because my sweet future sis-in-law, who is a labor & delivery nurse, told me one of her fellow nurses read this post and wanted me to know that DOA is Latin (I think) for something meaning that the baby came out head first. I think I am remembering that right. But regardless, it doesn’t mean Dead on Arrival, and that is nice to know. So thank you to Larissa’s co-worker for sharing that with me.
    xo
    Malou’s Mama


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