Remembering

How do you begin
to memorize your child?

Time went way too quickly with
Malou.

We didn’t have enough time
to memorize
every single little perfect thing
about her.

But now that we have
Liam
I realize that it is impossible
to memorize everything.

And I try.

When he is sleeping,
I put my face right up to his
and breathe in his breath.

I put my hand on his chest
to feel his heart pumping
and his tummy rising
with every precious breath
he takes.

I nuzzle my nose into his neck
when he curls into me…

I  could go on and on

but that is not the point of this blog
and in fact, I hope I am not
unknowingly hurting someone
out there who is missing
what should have been
with their own baby.

My point is that
even when I try to
memorize everything about
Liam,
each day is a new day,
one where I experience
something different
and appreciate something new
in my son.

And I am sad
I never had that chance
with my daughter.

I miss all the “should-have-beens”
with
Malou.

I miss everything
I now am lucky enough to experience
and I miss everything
I had imagined I would have.

I miss everything
about her
and yet, there is so much
I don’t know about her.

My own daughter.

And that is probably
what I miss the most.

But I will always remember her.
And I guess that counts for something.

It’s not the amount of days
or the number of memories,
but the strength of love
that makes it count.

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Stephanie,
    Thanks so much for your prayers! It has been a very hard 17 weeks. I miss him more than anyone could ever comprehend missing someone. I am sure you understand but the pain is so unbearable that I don’t know how to handle it at times. I know that time will heal but my life has a done a complete 180 and I hate it!

    Hope all is well with you.. Liam is a dollbaby!

    Tanya

  2. Dear Tanya,

    You have been on my mind so much since I read that you have also lost your beloved husband. Words aren’t enough…if we lived closer, I would come wrap you in a hug and have you tell me all about your boys.

    xo
    Stephanie


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