Missing

She was missing then
and she is missing now.

That’s what I thought
when Tom, Liam and I
drove through the beautiful
Columbia River gorge.

Two years ago
we were here
grieving our loss
and now we are here
with our adorable son,
visiting the same spots,
taking pictures of the same things,
and I swear,
I could feel her presence.

It felt like a little foot stretching against
the back of my seat in the car,
probably because
I know that’s where she should be sitting…

***

The weight of her absence is
tangible,
heavy,
physical.

She is like sand
slipping through my fingers
(or toes).

I can try to catch every grain
but it is pointless.

It slips effortlessly threw my fingers
no matter how hard I try to stop it
so I am at the point
where I realize
I should not even try,
because it stops me from
enjoying the sensation.

Even if she is slipping through my fingers,
she is there,
and I can feel her
if I just allow myself
to enjoy that fleeting moment.

It is better to just let
the sand do what it is meant to do
and appreciate the moments
when
my girl
comes to me.

It’s better to try not
to hold on
but just let her come and go
in peace.

Oh, Malou, I live for those moments when I can really feel your presence. I try not to get sad or desperately find a way to make the feel of you last, but instead just appreciate that you are with me, but it is hard. I miss you so much, my dear girl, but you are teaching me what life and love are all about.

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Published in: on July 14, 2010 at 09:41  Comments (2)  
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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Stephanine just tonight I was thinking about you and wondering when you’d update next.
    This was beautiful, to think of our daughters as sand through our fingers.
    Thank you.
    So lovely.
    xo

  2. Hi Stephanine,

    I was just thinking the other day about you. I was wondering how your trip is going.

    I just read you and I see you have lovely thoughts, as always, and also I see lovely pictures.

    Cheers from Mexico.


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