Anniversaries

Two years ago
today
marks the last full day
Malou
was alive in my belly.

I was blissfully happy,
unaware that my life
was going to change
forever
within 24 hours.

I’d say it was the last time
I was
happy without reservation.

One year ago
today
marks the first full day
Liam
was alive in my belly.

I was
hopeful with reservation.

Today
I am joyous
when I look at my son
and hear his sweet laughter
and I am heartbroken
that I will
never hear
Malou’s
laughter.

That she will never see
the love in my eyes,
never feel me hugging her,
never feel my lips against her cheek,
never giggle as I blow raspberries
on her belly,
never feel my cheek against her soft head
as I rock her to sleep,
never see the tears of joy
and happiness she brought me…

everything Liam gets…
because I don’t take a single second
of him for granted.

But I guess I am thankful
she never heard
the scream in my lungs
as I gripped my belly
when the doctors told us
her heart wasn’t beating
and
she never felt the
sobs ripping through my chest
as I clutched her to me.

Because she was already gone.

I need to take comfort,
because there is nothing else,
that all she ever heard
in her short life
was the steady thumping of my heart
and the murmur of my happy voice
every single day she was alive.

She knew nothing else.
I have to believe
that she never felt pain,
only warmth and comfort.

And I have to believe
that one day
I will be able to shower her
with all the love in my heart
that was reserved for her,
but instead drenches
her brother.

I know she wouldn’t mind.

She creates Love.

***

And when Liam,
some day far far far from now,
sees her too,
he can give her back all
the extra love
we give him.

I know he wouldn’t mind.

He spreads Love.

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. As a fellow mother of a lost baby girl and a living baby boy, you capture the feelings of my heart so perfectly.
    Thank you, Stephanie.
    I remember Malou with you on this day. I know the next few will also be tough.
    xo

  2. Perfectly said my sweet girl… I know that Malou did only feel yours and Tom’s love throughout her months in your tummy. This is such a hard time and will be always. I thank God that Liam is here with us all to help ease the pain and give your immense love an outlet. He is a lucky boy having you and Tom and all the rest of us who love him and love Malou as well. Take care, love you so much…

  3. This is beautiful and heart-wrenching and so well captured. Thank you. I know exactly what you mean by ‘happy without reservation’ – I felt that way a year ago and for two short weeks afterward.

    I believe that Malou felt only love, knew only warmth and comfort and snugness. I grieve with you all the outside pleasures she will never know. And I hope it’s not weird to say that I believe she does still feel your love. Not in the physical ways you so long to share it, but your girl knows your love. She always will.

  4. This is beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. It’s so, so true.


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