One week

In one week
it will be two years.

My mind is consumed with
Malou
these days.

Everything reminds me of her.

I am having trouble falling asleep,
because my mind races
with thoughts
and sad memories.

***

I am going to the dentist next week.

The same dentist
who asked me,
when I was pregnant with Liam,
if I had any other children.

I reminded her of
Malou
and she dismissed her
as if she didn’t count.

I was thinking of that today
and I realized the irony of it…

how many people
ask you,
when you are pregnant,
“Is this your first?”

When they can see
the baby bump,
they consider that baby “real”
even though it’s not yet born.

But when that bump disappears,
when you’ve actually birthed a baby,
held a hand,
kissed a cheek,
and then buried
all your hopes and dreams in the ground,
that baby ceases to exist
for so many people.

Why is a baby real to so many people
only when he or she is alive?

Why,
when I was pregnant with Liam,
would people say he was my first,
even though he wasn’t yet born…

and my first child,
who was already born into this world,
was forgotten, dismissed?

Why would someone who wasn’t born yet
“count”
and someone who was born
not?

(To be clear,
I personally don’t distinguish between these two)

Did
Malou
only “count” when she was alive
in my womb?

No, of course not.

I just don’t know why
so many other people
can’t understand that.

My children matter.
(All children matter.)
They count.
They are loved.
They are real.
They are both my life, my loves.

(P.S. And I love my frozen embryo babies too…
and waiting for the day that I can take them home as well.)

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. You are so very right. Our babies count. We carried them and nurtured them for all those months. We birthed them and buried them. Oh, they count.
    xo

  2. I know Malous birthday is approaching and I will be sending all love to you on that special day.

    You are so right about the irony behind the born but countless babies we have. I actually set a portrait with Ines picture and ask my mom to put it with all her grandchildren because she is as well her grand child. He said yes to me and cried and told me how much she misses her and all the plans she made about her. I felt relieved.

    Hugs from Mexico.


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