May memories

May is
Malou’s
month.

I’m thinking of her
even more than usual
lately
as we approach
2 years
without her.

Last weekend
while Tom was at work
and Liam was playing on his activity mat
I was looking through this blog.

I can see in the “statistics” page that
the most-read post overall
(which is often viewed hundreds of times per week!)
is Mother & Daughter
but my favorite post
is Memories.

I love this post
because of the comments.

My heart breaks when I read them
but it is also warmed.

As I re-read them
thinking about my girl,
I was feeling very emotional
and then Liam started fussing
so I went over to him
and his little face just lit up
in a huge smile
and he squealed in happiness
at seeing me,
his mama.

And I lost it.

I will never get to see
Malou
recognize me,
smile at me,
squeal with happiness
just at the sight of me.

I love her so much
but I will never get to
see her love for me.

It hurts so much.

I have so many reasons to live right now,
and one especially darling one,
but I still wish I didn’t have to live
the rest of my life
without her.

Oh, my sweet girl…I miss you so much. My heart still breaks at the memory of losing you. I will never stop loving you, never stop missing you, never stop talking about you, never stop remembering you…you are my girl, my amazing daughter, and I wish you were here with me.  Life isn’t the same without you.

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Published in: on May 12, 2010 at 07:00  Comments (1)  
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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Hi Step, Tom & Liam,
    Thinking of you a lot lately and especially today, 2 years after Malou’s birth. It brings back lots of memories for me too, the main one being the shock phone call whilst sitting on the ferry to Oslo and not being able to do a thing for you, even collect your mum from the airport. Oh how I have kicked myself so many times. I wish so much I coul be ther with you today too, but not possible as I now sit 12,000 miles away in Australia. I love you all and miss you so much. My thoughts are with you so much today. Treasure Malou’s little brother, Liam,as I know you do. I am sure you would see Malou in there some ways too.
    Big hugs
    Carolyn


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