Womb craft project

Trying to conceive,
without luck,
is so mentally taxing.

We started trying to conceive
in January 2007.

By July 2007,
I was in tears
every time my period came.

By August 2007,
we found out we had
male-factor fertility issues
(I’m only mentioning the cause
for those of you who may be
experiencing the same,
but really,
I believe ALL fertility issues
are joint issues…
after all,
usually it is a couple
who is trying to get pregnant,
so the cause doesn’t really matter…
it’s the result that counts)

By September 2007,
I was drinking the dirty, polluted
water running in a stream
through a small town
on a Greek island,
which supposedly
had magical fertility powers.

By November 2007,
I was waiting for my period to arrive
so we could start our first
fertility treatment (IUI).

On November 18, 2007,
my period hadn’t arrived
so I took (another) HPT.

It was positive.

Malou
was on her way.

Amazing,
considering the doctors
gave us a 25% chance of conceiving
naturally
if we tried for 9 consecutive years
(where do they get these stats?
I have no idea).

By June 2008,
Malou
had come and gone.

By August 2008,
my period still hadn’t arrived
and I took (another) HPT
in the pathetic hope
that I had ovulated and somehow
gotten pregnant.

I hadn’t.

My period soon arrived
and we started TTC again.

By October 2008,
we were ready to start
our first IUI.

It didn’t work.

We continued to try IUIs,
and then moved on to IVFs.

By May 2009,
on Mother’s Day,
my good friend’s son was born
and my period started.

Malou
was still gone.

My grief was only getting worse.

My hope for the future
was dwindling.

I didn’t know how much more
I could take,
but yet I knew
I couldn’t stop.

I was a childless mother,
and I was dying inside.

Every month,
every negative HPT,
and a little piece of me
died all over again.

Since such a big part of me
died with
Malou,
I feared that soon
nothing would be left.

And in a way that is true.

I am a new, different
Stephanie.

So on our 3rd IVF attempt
(our 2nd “fresh attempt” if you will,
as one of the attempts was
with a frozen embryo)

just two days
before
Malou’s
1st birthday

we tried again.

This time,
in that frustrating
two-week wait,
I did something different.

(and now the title of this post will finally make sense)

I created a womb project
to help me visualize
my desired result.

I picked out
two rocks,
one blue and one pink
(because I was pretty certain
the two fertilized eggs
were a boy and a girl)

and I buried them
on a soft bed of
red feathers
(representing the lining of my uterus,
of course)

and I put them all in a wooden box
(representing my womb)

and I wrote a little note to my babies.

I held the rocks in my hands
and tried to infuse them
with as much good energy
as I could muster.

Then I closed the box
decorated with a heart
and when I found out
that I was pregnant

I would take out
the rocks (my babies, if you will)
and talk to them,
urging them to stay.

Crazy? Ok…
I never said I wasn’t.

But it gave me something
tangible to focus on.

And now I have
a sweet little boy
with big blue eyes
who has centered
my life,
renewed my purpose,
restored my joy and hope.

He is my rock.

My blue-eyed rock.

Wishing lots of love and luck and strength to all of you out there who are trying to conceive now.

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Published in: on May 5, 2010 at 00:11  Comments (4)  
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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. We both have blue-eyed rocks. How lucky are we.
    xo

  2. Beautiful story Stephanie with beautiful results. I love you all…

  3. How sweet Stephanie. Your blue eyed angle is just freakin’ adorable. Enjoy every minute of it, time goes way too fast. My blue eyed boy is going to be 1 next week.

  4. Thank you x


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