Malou on my mind

Lots of posts
have been running around in my head
recently…

I compose them mentally,
often while I am falling asleep,
and then by the next morning
I am too busy to write them out
and then I forget
my inspiration.

But
Malou
is always on my mind.

I cannot believe
how far I have come
in the almost
23 months since she died.

It’s been almost 2 years,
and it has passed
in what seems like
the blink of an eye.

That’s scary…
I remember feeling
like I was wasting my life
in grief
and now, looking back,
I can see that
although I was participating in life,
at least going through the motions,
I wasn’t really living.

I don’t feel 31 years old.

I still feel 29
because that’s the last time
I really felt
whole.

These last two years have been a blur…

I remember
the months after
Malou
died,
the fog I lived in,
the daily, agonizing pain…
the reality
hitting me
in different places, at different times,
but hitting me
hard in the chest,
so I almost couldn’t breathe,
every single day.

Malou
died.

How could that be?
I had to wrap my head
around it every single day.

Learn to live with it.

Mostly,
I think I have done that.

But I am honestly
not sure I could have
without
Liam.

Does that make it artificial?
Does that mean I am pushing
my true feelings away
in order to be able to
live happily with
Malou’s
brother?

I don’t know.

Malou
is still dead
and I think about her
every day…
but I don’t feel
that same
cold, hard knot
in my chest
at every thought.

I do feel the sting
of the tears
pushing behind my eyes…

I still feel that.

Every time I think of her.

But so much of it
doesn’t seem
real
anymore.

Maybe because
I don’t let myself
go back and remember
the agony…
or maybe because
there is so little
I know about
Malou.

Admitting that
hurts the most.

I don’t know much about my own daughter.

I already know so much about my son,
and he is only 11 weeks old.

He is an amazing person,
a sweet little charmer,
with a personality and will of his own.

But I don’t know anything about
Malou’s
personality or her will.

Or even her eye color.

I want to,
so I imagine things.

But all I really know
is that she was a gentle being
in my womb
(maybe she would have been kind,
compassionate and patient?)

who created a huge amount
of love and happiness
in a short time
(maybe she would have had a big heart
and an infectious laugh?)

who was calmed by her daddy’s voice
and her mama’s hands
(maybe she would have been able to comfort us too?)

and who fought hard for her little life
(maybe she would have been
hardworking and brave?)

Oh, Malou, there is so much I want to know about you. We have missed you so much, missed getting to know you. I hope you know us and how very much you are loved. xoxo your mama and daddy

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Published in: on April 21, 2010 at 16:35  Comments (4)  
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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Oh Stephanie. I could easy swap the names Malou and Liam for Hope and Angus and call this post my own. Our timelines and ages are almost exactly the same, too.
    We really have walked this lonely road together, even though we both may not have always known that.
    I’m so glad we’ve come out the other side with our amazing sons.
    Just wish our girls were here.
    xo

  2. I still feel 29 too. Something in me just . . . broke when my daughter died and the ensuing time has passed in a blur.

    I’m sorry that Malou is not here with you and Liam. It is heartbreaking to think about how little we know about our missing girls.

    But I think we do know our children whilst they are still the womb somehow. I think I definitely had a ‘feeling’ for the personalities of my twins before they were born and J seems a little similar to how I imagined her before she was born. I wonder if your Malou would have been too? I like to think she would have been as you describe her here. x

  3. It’s amazing that you wrote this post yesterday. I too was thinking of writing on here as the day I moved into my new home I feel Malou visited me. A beautiful dagonfly came to the front door, flew through the living room and out the back into the beautiful sun. She flew around the garden twice then took off into the distance. I can tell you, she loves the sun. She was very much alive and sparkling. I think you are doing so well and I am pleased you have the felings you do about Malou. I am sure you are correct.
    Big Hugs.

  4. Thanks for reading my postings. I love how you write and I love Malou’s video. As you know, I have a four year old. I often think that when she was born I knew nothing about her but in these four years that passed I have learned so much about her and life. But then I realize how much I lost when Ines died. I will never know anything about her, oh no. Then I feel the deepest agony; a pain in my throut that descends to my chest and tears run out of my eyes. I then feel trapped, I feel as I couldn´t breath air in and I want to run away. And it also breaks my heart to think how much she lost. She lost her time in Earth.

    Thinking of Malou and Ines.


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