Now I lay me down to sleep…

I used to pray
every single night.

I thanked God
every single morning and night
from the moment I found out
I was pregnant with
Malou
on November 18, 2007.

And I prayed
for her health and safety.

And she died anyways.

I don’t think God
“needed another angel”
nor do I think God
wanted me to go through this pain
and that this
“happened for a reason.”

I just think horrific things
happen to people…
just as wonderful things
happen to people.

Life happens.

It’s not fair
or predictable.

And although it can be
wonderful and amazing…
and I am so fortunate
to be experiencing
that part of life now
with Liam…
it can also be
gut-wrenchingly painful.

I guess that’s what
“the price of love
is.

Anyways…

even though I don’t blame God for
Malou’s
death,
I still have been at times angry
at Him.

Mostly when I am sick of being angry at
myself.

The anger had to go somewhere
and I figured He could handle it.

Most of my anger is gone now…
sadness and longing is what is left.

And when I drift off to sleep at night
I tend to think of both of my babies.

And I often have the urge to pray.
I pray for
Liam’s health and safety.

And then I wonder,
“Why bother?”

Because I believe
God
wanted
Malou
to be alive and healthy
here with us…
but she’s not.

I’m not sure how to reconcile this.
Am I just praying out of habit, or what?
What’s the point of prayer
if you don’t believe
God blesses you
based on your prayers or actions?

I do believe in energy…
and prayer is energy.

So I try to keep my thoughts
positive
and be consciously grateful
for what I have
in the hope
I will be able to keep it.

So when I pray to God,
thankful for my son
and my family and my friends
and my life…
well, I guess I’m hoping
that cultivating that thankfulness
will convince the Universe or God
or whoever is more in control than me,
to skip me over the next time
something bad is going to happen,
if something bad has to happen.

I wish no one had to experience
this type of pain, of course…
that’s the best case scenario.

But I know that’s not reality.

And now I’m so scared of losing again…
my mind can so easily go there,
to the awfulness of it all,
that I’m going back to my therapist
for a “touch-up” appointment
on Friday.

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Published in: on April 7, 2010 at 14:43  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I think for me, this is where I’m glad I don’t have religion in my life, as I guess it means one less person to blame. Even though I know, no one is really at fault (well perhaps some less than attentive midwives in our case) and that bad shit just happens. To good people. All the time.
    Thinking of Malou.
    xo

  2. “And I often have the urge to pray.
    I pray for
    Liam’s health and safety.

    And then I wonder,
    “Why bother?”

    Because I believe
    God
    wanted
    Malou
    to be alive and healthy
    here with us…
    but she’s not.

    I’m not sure how to reconcile this.
    Am I just praying out of habit, or what?
    What’s the point of prayer
    if you don’t believe
    God blesses you
    based on your prayers or actions?”

    Substitute Ada for Malou and Eleanor for Liam, and I could have written this word for word. I am right there with you!!! This has bothered me so much ever since Ada died, and I still struggle with this. In fact, I don’t pray like I used to, because it seems pointless to me now. I pray some, but it’s different now. Let me know if your therapist has all the answers for you! 🙂

  3. Hi Beth and Sally,

    As always, blogging makes me feel connected and understood. Thank you. 🙂

    Beth, I think religion plays a bigger part in your life than it does in mine (at least, you go to church! :)), so it was really good for me to hear that you feel this way too. In some bizarre way, it makes me feel less guilty. Anyways, I didn’t talk about this specifically with my therapist – we focused on my fear of loss, with a bit of my control issues thrown in for good measure…mainly, because I often have thoughts about “what if Liam died” or “what if I died and left Liam without a mom” and it bothers me that I can’t just fully enjoy this joyful time. She assured me that with time, this will go away on its own, and that as a baby loss mama, it is a natural reaction to our reality that the world isn’t always safe from tragedy. (And that other parents who say they also worry about their babies mean well, but it’s not the same if you’ve lost a baby, so our worry IS more intense and real.) But she said I can “train my brain” by, every time I have one of these thoughts, accepting it and telling myself, “The chances of that happening are very low…the world isn’t as dangerous as I think it is” and basically to remind myself that it is a waste of energy to worry about something I have no control over. Eventually, hopefully, my brain will realize this is true and stop giving me these scary thoughts.

    xoxo to you both.


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