Never regret

I read somewhere recently that
a parent will never regret
how much they held
their child.

Liam likes to sleep in his crib at night
but usually will fall asleep in my arms
for naps and there he will often stay,
since he likely wakes up if
I try to set him in his crib.

When I read this about regrets,
I liked it.
And not just because it gave me
an excuse to hold Liam more!
(as if I needed one)

I liked it
because it highlights
how natural it is,
for a parent to want
to love and cuddle,
hold and cherish,
their child.

And I realize that,
for me at least
(I know it’s not for many others),
it is the same with both of my
children.

I never regretted holding
Malou.

Not in the hours after her birth,
the next day,
the following week
when she was back from her autopsy,
nor the last time I held her,
9 days after she was born,
when I placed her in her coffin.

Shit. I just wrote “crib”
instead of “coffin.”

I wish.
I wish so very much, still.

I remember being scared
to see her,
before she was born,
and then it was wonderful.

Wonderful and terrible
at the same time.

I wanted to hold her and kiss her
forever.
I didn’t want to let go,
but every second she was in my arms
I was aware that she was already gone,
and that I would have to let go,
literally,
soon.

Way too soon.

I remember being scared
after I knew she was
back from her autopsy,
and lying in the hospital morgue,
knowing how much
I wanted to see her,
needed to see her,
but yet so very afraid
I would regret it.

If she looked different.
If she looked dead.

The priest who blessed her
the night she was born,
and who performed her
funeral service,
came to our house
and told me
most parents don’t regret
seeing their dead children again.

So we did.

And we didn’t regret it.

So there was no question,
several days later,
when the undertaker
offered to let us
place her in her coffin…

I didn’t want any regrets.

And I don’t have any,
not really.

The only thing
I wish
is that I had held on to
Malou
a bit longer
the first day.

The only day she was whole.

I wished I had touched and kissed
every single bit of her
perfect, precious body.

So I do that with
Liam.

I still
look at him in awe
and I admit,
a part of me
looks at him,
trying to memorize
every perfect, precious
part of him,
just in case.

And then I kiss him
and tell him I love him.

All things
I want to do for
Malou
too.

I love you so much, my sweet girl. I wish you were here for me to kiss you and cuddle you and watch you grow up with your baby brother. When we meet again, I am going to hold you and never let go.

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I’m in awe of how much time you spent with Malou. And we spent a lot of time with Hope, more than many others I know did with their babies. We had her body about 21 hours after she was born, but we didn’t see her again. Didn’t really know it was an option, to tell the truth. Didn’t know if I wanted to. If I could do it again, I would chose to spend more time with her. So yeah, I do have some regrets.
    After I read this post last night, Angus cried from his basinette. I went and picked him up. I’ll never be able to hold him enough.
    We are so lucky to have our little boys.
    xo

  2. I’m so proud of you, sweetheart. You are a wonderful mama. I just heard the James Blunt song Carry You Home. It made me think of you and Malou, so I decided to check your blog. As always, I’m in awe of your strength and amazing ability to love. Love you so much. -am


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