Life, love & loss

A new category added…
“Parenting after loss.”

I was desperate to one day add
“Pregnancy after loss”
but I think a part of me always doubted
I would get to the point
where I’d be able to add
“Parenting after loss.”

I am so eternally grateful
that I just did.

I know there are many,
way way too many,
baby loss mamas out there reading
and I hope I never unknowingly
hurt one of you by writing about
Malou’s
new little brother here,
butI know I cannot avoid writing about him.

He is here, safely, alive,
thank God,
and my life is forever changed.
He is a part of it
just like
Malou
and I can’t,
nor would I want to,
separate the two.

So I am sure that future posts
will mention
Liam.

That’s my warning.
I hope I don’t alienate anyone
and I hope that every person
out there
who wants to parent,
whether after loss or not,
gets to.

One of the first things
I realized
since Liam has been born
is that I love both my children
equally.

Everyone always says this,
but I didn’t know how losing a child
I never really got to know (fully)
would affect this.

After all,
everyone who told me this
had living children.

When
Malou
died,
I didn’t want any other children;
I only wanted her.

I loved her so much
that I worried I would never be able to
love anyone
as much, ever.

Then I think a part of me
worried that when/if
Liam was born alive
I might love him more
because I would have him
in my life physically every day
to cherish.

But neither is the case.

My love is the same.

Intense, overpowering, tender, protective, wonderful.

I love the feeling of being a mother,
of loving my children.

Loving
Malou
has always been tinged with sadness
over losing
her.

Loving
Liam
has always been tinged with fear
over possibly losing
him.

I guess I can’t escape
what loss does to me.

One unexpected “benefit” of loss
is that I love my children
more, better,
than I think I otherwise would.

Knowing, not just imagining,
but knowing
what it feels like to lose
the one you love most
makes you appreciate
what you have so much more.

Every day,
I am so grateful
to feel Liam’s
soft, warm cheeks,
his sweet breath,
his squirming body,
to gaze into his beautiful eyes,
to see his funny faces,
to hear his grunts and cries,
to change his dirty diapers…

it’s all so much better
than I ever imagined.

And it makes me so sad,
again,
to only ever have felt
Malou’s
soft, cold cheeks,
and held the weight of her in my arms.
Nothing else.

I didn’t know her,
but I do.

And I love her.

Tom holds
our son
and talks to him about his
big sister.

He thinks he understands,
and believes
Liam knows
Malou.

I also think
babies in the womb
have a special connection
to the “other side”
and I like to think
Liam
and
Malou
were in contact
for the last nine months
and that
she’s still out there
looking out for us,
and knows how much
we miss her.

We are a family of four.
Not everyone can see it,
but Tom and I know,
Malou
knows,
and we will make sure
Liam always knows too.

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. A beautiful post. I’m so happy for you.

  2. just catching up, Stephanie. He is so very beautiful. And I know exactly what you mean when you talk about parenting one here on earth and one only in your heart.
    It is bittersweet, but my love for them is the same.
    xo

  3. Nice to see you get to a place that I knew you would get to someday but it seemed impossible for you. You bring a lot of hope for other mamas in the same position. Hang in there other baby loss mamas, never lose hope.


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