*Final stretch*

Malou’s
brother is almost here.

My induction is scheduled for tomorrow,
but it may take a few days
as they have a conservative method
of induction here in Denmark.

Overall, I’m doing okay.

Thinking lots about
Malou
and her birth,
and excited
but scared to get my hopes up too high
that this time
we will get to bring our baby home forever.

It feels too good to be true.
I hope and pray it isn’t.

Tom’s sister
gave us a baby gift yesterday
and also bought a
stuffed bear that says
“Somebody loves you”
and a sweet card for
Malou.

It’s nice to know
how many people
realize our son
is our second child,
a little brother
to a very special sister.

It’s especially nice
as I’ve been confronted
with the dreaded question,
“Is this your first?” a couple of times lately.

Once,
I paused and said Yes.
I still feel guilty,
even though this was a stranger
whom I will never see again.

Once,
I said No.
And the person then told me,
“Ah, so you have the diapers
and midnight feedings and all that
down pat.”
Ummm…not exactly, I said.
My daughter was stillborn.

Insert awkward silence.

I hate that question.
I hate that it will never go away.
Even if we are so lucky
to have living children,
I know we will be asked,

“How many children do you have?”

Right now,
my best answer is
“One living.”

How about the rest of you?
What do you say?

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Published in: on January 27, 2010 at 09:05  Comments (9)  

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9 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I’ve been thinking of you all week and look forward to hearing that Malous brother is here safely. Do let us know when you can. Wishing you all very best and I hope you get smooth seas. I can’t believe that it is almost here, I can remember when you got the positive test.
    And the dreaded question? I just answer depending on the circumstance although it catches me every time.

  2. I’ve been thinking about you. Will send many good thoughts your way for a peaceful and safe delivery.
    I’m like you. Most of the time, I tell people about my firstborn. People ask if this is my first (or just assume) and I tell them I lost a little girl in March. It is heartwrenching. And, I too hate that no matter what, those questions will always be akward. A huge piece of our hearts will always be with our girls.

  3. You know, once your boy is born if people as how many children you have you can say 2, if someone asks where your other child is, you say she passed away, or she’s in heaven watching over her little brother. Good luck with your induction. I will be praying for you. Get good sleep tonight, yeah right, I could never sleep the night before my c-sections, I was too excited. Take care.

  4. Praying, praying, praying!

  5. OHHHH, I’m so excited that your day is almost here! (And in your time zone, it IS here!) I am saying a prayer for you and your baby boy! And Tom too, for that matter! 🙂

    When I get the “Is this your first?” question, I say yes about half the time. I just don’t have the energy and I hate seeing the look of horror when I explain about Ada. Sometimes though, if I am actually establishing a relationship with this person, I tell the truth.

    Keep us posted!!!

  6. Thinking of you all the time, sweetie. On the edge of my seat. Full of anticipation and hope. xoxox

  7. Dear Stephanie,

    I wrote you once, the first time I visited your blog. I’m the mother of an angel named Enzo. I speak french so I’m shy to write in english:( I feel so bad because I wanted to share with you so much stuff. I want to thank you so much for helping me. You cann’t believe how much you had help me in the last 5 or 6 months, I believe. I started to read you when Carrie, your friend in Belize, told me about your blog. I lost Enzo at 13 days old last April and I was so busy at my job that I’m not sure if I’m grieving or just delaying it.
    I think that I started to gief a little bit every wednesday night when I was on my computer! I saw myself in your wonderful (and sometimes tough) words. That really help me to understand what was going on in myself. You put some “english!” words in my mouth to express myself. Sorry, that it took me so long to write you again… but I wanted to do it!!! Thank you Staphanie!!!

    I also enjoyed your words about the pregnancy of your baby boy!!!!!! I’m so glad for you!!!!!! I wish you a wonderful delivery!!! Welcome to the new family member!

    I will tell you even I didn’t tell my boss and my friends that I’m pregnant, 12 weeks now! My close family knows and I should tell my boss in a day or two! You also help me a lot with the beginning of my new pregnancy! I think I’m happy but I definately not feeling the same way and the joy is not really present… I told everybody on my first week when I was pregnant of Enzo and now, it’s been 12 weeks and only few people heard once about it. Hopefully, I will deeply feel happy soon! I believe you have another blog talking about baby boy… if it’s not just for your family and close friend I will be interested to read it but I will totally understand if you prefer to keep it for your family!

    For your question: when people asked about children, I answered always “Yes, but he’s not an angel!”
    A cousin in law send me a couple days ago a wonderful neckless. It’s a scrabble piece letter E, value of 1 point, as the first child, and on the other side, it’s baby foot print with 2 wings of an angel on each side. So now, I’m answering the same sentence by holding this nice jewellery!
    My husband once answered no and most of the time, he answered yes and not or not really… That really disturbed me. I want to let him say what he prefers but I know that I need to say “Yes I have a child but he’s now our Angel.”

    Thank you so much again!!!
    Sending you all my best thoughts!!!
    Isabelle

  8. my love,
    i am awaiting so patiently. i’m sending you love and support. can’t wait to hear the news.
    although i am not a fellow baby loss mama, i feel that as a mother, i would want to know if a fellow mother had lost one (or god forbid, more) of her children. i think we all share a bond together and can somehow offer a loving glance, touch or hug. i pray for all you mamas everyday… and know that your babies are with you, loving you.
    i love you steph!
    carrie
    (and i am so glad that you and isabelle have connected, another amazing mama)

  9. Hi Steph,
    As you know I am not a babyloss mama but I feel for you all so much. I have felt (and still do) VERY close to you and Tom and feel honoured to be in your circle of friends.
    BB is on his way and we thank God for that. All will be great again and Malou will be there watching over you all.
    Big Hugs


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