*Fear and Sadness*

I didn’t expect my anxiety to increase
SO much during these last few weeks of pregnancy with
Malou’s
little brother.

Tomorrow I will be 36 weeks along,
and since – for my peace of mind –
they are inducing me at 38 weeks,
I don’t have long to go.

But sometimes it seems like the finish line
is just too far to reach.

If I don’t know, sometimes, how I am going to make it,
how do I know that Baby Boy will make it?

And that is the worst.

Knowing that lightning can – and does –
strike twice. And even more.

I can’t read many babyloss mama blogs right now,
because it reminds me that
this horrible, terrible thing happens
way too often.

We are all set for Baby Boy’s arrival,
and the same crib and the same pram
is all ready to go…
in the same place.

He is not a substitute,
not even in the slightest.

But seeing his things
in her space
reminds me
that maybe, please God forbid,
he won’t be coming home either.

I try not to dwell on these thoughts,
but it is hard to avoid.

Every time he sleeps in my womb,
I think,
“He could be already gone.”

So I gently push on my belly,
or drink a glass of cold water,
or as a last resort,
get out my doppler
(that almost always wakes him up…
I don’t think he particularly likes it,
so I try not to use it).

And then I am calmed,
until the next time.

But even hearing his heartbeat
or feeling his kicks
aren’t always enough.

I had to go to the hospital
on Sunday
because I was convinced he
was weak and wasn’t thriving inside me.

His kicks felt softer.

So they hooked me up to the monitors again,
and 40 minutes later,
assured me that he was okay.

Generally, I feel really good while pregnant.
I mean, except for the morning sickness
that lasted 22 weeks,
I only have mild aches and pains.

I just wish I could enjoy being pregnant more.

I wanted this for so long,
and I am so grateful…
but now I think of it as
an means to an end.

What I really want
is a living child, of course,
so I need to let go of having
a really happy, joyful pregnancy.

You wouldn’t really know it,
I don’t think,
by looking at me.

(Here I am last week, at 35 weeks, as we were setting up BB’s crib…you can see we have little animal decals for him around the crib, and then the dragonflies going up the wall…these are Malou’s and they’ve been there since we set up her crib. You can also see a little windchime plaque on the wall behind the crib…it says “Angels gather here” and my mom got it for me to either keep at home or bring to Malou’s grave. For now, it’s here. Although I don’t think of Malou as a “little angel”, I do like to think she is protected by them and that she still will hang out in our home whenever she likes).

Because I am joyful
a lot of the time.

But the fear and sadness sneak in,
more than I’d like.

I’m worried they will remain even after the birth.

Well, of course the sadness will.
But the fear is what I’d like to be rid of.

When I pray, I often ask God
to allow BB to live a long, happy and healthy life,
and to outlive me and Tom.

Is that weird? It’s not enough
to pray for BB to live a LONG, happy and healthy life.

Because even if I lived to 131 years old,
and BB passed away peacefully in his sleep at 100,
I would be devastated.

My heart just breaks for the parents
who’ve experienced not just one,
but multiple, losses.

I know they’re out there.
I read their blogs.
It’s just too much to imagine, though, isn’t it?
The brain can’t comprehend,
because it just is not right.
It’s not fair.

***

Since I’m on maternity leave right now,
I am trying to put together photo albums
from each year
Tom and I have been together
(we met each other 5 years ago this month,
so I’m hoping for an early arrival for BB
to arrive on that date).

2008 was obviously a difficult year
and looking at all the digital pictures,
deciding which ones to print,
brought up a lot of memories
and sadness.

This one, where Trine the priest is blessing
Malou
in the middle of the night,
shortly after she is born,
about rips me to shreds,
just seeing my face and Tom’s.

So then I look at this one,
where I can feel the love and contentment
I had,
for just a moment,
to finally hold my daughter
for the first time.

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Malou is such a little darling, look at that adorable face. Thank you for sharing those precious moments.
    I too thought that it would get easier the closer to the finish line, but it appears to be the opposite. I hope for good news from you in two weeks.

  2. All beautiful photos. Thinking of darling Malou and of sweet BB on the way. Sending good energy out to the universe for you to feel peace these next two weeks and for his safe arrival.

  3. I know what you mean…my fear and anxiety has increased day by day lately. I struggle to take it one day at a time.
    And I still have almost 16 weeks to go!

    Remembering your firstborn and awaiting the wonderful news of your second precious one.

    love,
    ebe

  4. Thinking of you Stephanie. So close now. I know you can do this.
    xo


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