I felt her

I wrote this post a couple of months ago
and wasn’t sure whether to post it,
but I think now’s the time.

I really think I did.

I was in the car alone,
you know, my “thinking spot.”

And of course
I was thinking of my

And I swear I felt her.

She was with me.
I think I felt her hand on my cheek,
and then her rub her own soft cheek against

So I talked to her,
like I always do,
but this time I felt like she was
really there listening.

I didn’t tell her much,
nothing she doesn’t know,
but oh, my God,
it felt good.

Maybe I was imagining it,
or hallucinating,
but I don’t care.

It was worth it.

I felt like she was an older spirit,
not my infant baby girl,
and that she was comforting me.

Telling me she was okay,
and she was with me,
and that we’d be together again.

Someday. Somehow.

I am greedy.
I want more.
I want to feel that every day.

Has anybody else experienced something like this?
I’m not just asking my fellow babyloss mamas,
but anyone. We’ve all lost someone we’ve loved…
have you felt them after death?
The only other person I’ve felt is my grandpa.

But I love these stories.
So please feel free to share yours.

I love you, daughter of mine. Thank you for visiting me.
You make me so proud. Kys fra din mor

Published in: on December 30, 2009 at 20:56  Comments (5)  
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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. What a beautiful experience.
    I’m so glad that you felt Malou with you.
    I don’t think that it is greedy to want more.
    I haven’t felt anything like this since my daughter’s death but, whilst she was dying, I felt as though I met her. As a person. Not just as a baby that she actually was. If that makes any sense? x

  2. you know me… i fully believe that we are visited by ones that have passed. my grandpa tengler, not the one that i just lost, but one from about 20 years ago (can’t believe that)is my guardian angel. he usually shows up in my dreams when i have a big question i need answered or i feel him when i am feeling sad or lost. i fully believe that malou is there with you and that you’ll continue to feel her more and more. i also believe that spirits, or whatever you’d like to call them, evolve a lot faster than we do. so it makes sense that she would be comforting you. i think it’s special. i know you’d rather have her with you in the flesh. but she loves you nonetheless and is with you. i love you steph. i’m thinking of you always.

  3. Yes, I have had a few visits or encounters or check-ins from people who have died. I count them among my most holy and precious experiences. I’m so glad Malou came to you so clearly and for a longish time. I wish she were here in an utterly different way, but knowing she’s around is so good.

  4. About 5 weeks after the car accident and after Zainab died in my womb, I dreamt that she woke up, opened her eyes and spoke to me. And it felt stronger than a dream, it felt like *her*. She wanted to know if I was okay.

    I really want a dream like that again, I want to feel close to her. But I guess I just need to be patient.

    So glad Malou came to be close to you.

  5. I hope you get more dreams like that too. Such a comfort in a time where nothing seems to comfort. So sorry for your tragic loss – I am adding your sweet little Zainab to my In Memory of page.

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