I am thankful…

…to my daughter,
for showing me a mother’s love.

…to my husband,
for giving me the most beautiful gift ever
and sticking with me even when I have nothing
left to give.

…to my son,
for restoring my hope for the future.

…to my mom,
for shouldering the pain with me,
every step of the way.

…to my dad,
for being such a proud grandpa
and keeping Malou’s memory alive.

…to my brothers and sister-in-law,
for their sensitivity, love, devotion, support and patience.

…to my cousin Becky,
for her amazing ability to empathize.

…to the women relatives in my family,
who, through words, deeds and prayers,
reassure me I am not alone.

…to my girlfriends,
who flew to my rescue (literally).

…to my work colleagues,
especially Nina,
who are never afraid to say Malou’s name.

…to my fellow babyloss mamas,
whose words are my lifeline
and who prove life can go on. 
We are all normal and we are surviving.

…to all those I am not mentioning,
my parents’ friends and colleagues,
commenters on my blog or video link,
doctors, nurses, midwives,
my favorite authors and musicians,
to all of you,
I can feel your presence in my heart,
and I bet Malou can too.

Thank you.

***

As you know,
I am going to be slowing down
my postings here.

It has been 14 months
since I started writing,
and 19 months since
Malou Amelia
died and was born.

Expressing my thoughts here
has helped me more than
you can ever imagine.

Your support
in real life
and in comments
has made otherwise unbearable days
bearable.

Although I am not “healed”
and doubt I ever will be,
I do feel as if I am mending.

My heart is not perfect or whole,
and I envisioned it last night
just before falling asleep
as having a big ugly scar on it
from breaking
on May 26, 2008.

And that’s okay with me.
I don’t need a pretty, intact heart.
I just need a heart that is not afraid to love and live.

I was afraid for quite awhile.
But now I am much more hopeful than fearful.

And I don’t need to
get “hope” out through words
like I do with “fear”…
I can live with hope.
I have a much harder time
living with fear. 

So that’s why I’m slowing down…
I do have things to say
(as you can see by
the fact that I’m posting two more
today)
so check in every once in a while
– on a Wednesday of course
since I’m weird like that 🙂 –
and know
that I’m thinking of you.

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Published in: on December 30, 2009 at 20:56  Comments (4)  
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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. So glad to have found you, Stephanie.

  2. Wow. That was beautiful. I love you!

  3. Know that we remember Malou and also rejoice with you as you enter into a new season. Grief changes, I don’t think it goes away; it just looks different. Praying for you as you walk through these last few weeks.

    love,
    ebe

  4. What a beautiful post again, Stephanie, I am also thankful to have been with you through your walk. I am honoured to be your friend. Now we have the new year and new beginnings all around so we all have to look forward and send the positive vibs out into the universe. I have sure been doing this for you too. I really look forward to your baby news and am almost bursting with pride for you. Take care.
    Hugs


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