*Are you there God?*

It’s me, Stephanie.

I have been quite lucky this pregnancy
to not get a painful abdominal attack
(I tend to get one every couple of months
but they can’t find a reason).

The major reason 
I was feeling so grateful was
because I had an attack the night before
Malou
died
and I’ve always worried
that I killed her.

By not having any attacks for over 33 weeks now
(a new record)
I figured it was God’s way of saying,
“I’m here. And it’s going to be ok this time.”

So now I’m feeling a little pissed off.

First things first,
Malou’s
brother is doing well.

But the story starts on Monday evening,
when I started to get some back pain
and stomach pain that came and went.
It felt similar to menstrual cramping,
but tylenol was not helping.

It didn’t seem to matter if I laid down
or walked around, the pain had a mind of its own.

But it wasn’t bad.
And I figured it was normal,
to have some aches and pains
when you’re carrying a 4.5 pound baby around
all day.

It continued all day Tuesday,
and when it started getting slightly worse
in the evening,
I called the midwife who said
it could be a bladder infection.

Since I had an appointment with the doctor
and an ultrasound scheduled for the next day
(Wednesday), I decided to wait it out until then.

2 hours later,
the pain was definitely increasing
so I called back and asked if I could come in
so they could check on Baby Boy.

At 10.15 pm we arrived
in Labor & Delivery
and were promptly placed in the same room
I labored in with
Malou.

I was trying very hard not to compare
the situations,
but it would just get harder.

I was hooked up to a monitor
to make sure BB was doing well
and that I wasn’t having contractions,
and everything looked fine.

But then the “real pain” started –
that’s when I knew it was one of my
unexplained attacks.

I wanted to cry,
but was too exhausted.
I knew what was in store for me…
agonizing pain
but worst of all
the fear that BB would die
during this attack, just like
Malou
did.

I of course refused the medicine (Diclon)
that they gave me while pregnant with
Malou
because I still think there might be
a connection between the 3 times
I took that medicine,
and her small birth defects and death.

So they called in several doctors
to examine me,
and at 3.00 am I was wheeled in
to the ultrasound room…
the same one where we found out
Malou
had died.

The same ultrasound machine.

I thought God was playing a cruel trick on me.
Or He was warning me.
Either way, I didn’t think it was funny.

But thankfully,
BB looked fine, my placenta looked fine,
my cervix looked fine, etc. etc.

They couldn’t find a reason for my pain,
just a few pieces of kidney “sand” rather than “stone.”

So they decided to give me some medicine.
At this point,
I had been getting contraction-like pain
(the unbearable pain coming every 5 minutes or so,
with only slight relief during the “downtime”)
that spread from my back through my stomach,
and was so intense that
I was throwing up each time.

I wasn’t really in a position
to refuse pain meds,
even though I wanted to.

But they promised me
that was they were giving me
would not harm BB,
so I got two different shots
and a pill that you don’t have to swallow 😉
since I was throwing up everything.

Then I was wheeled into a private room
on the Gynecological ward, and Tom was given a bed
right next to me.

We were in Room 5, right next to Room 4,
which is where mom, Tom, and I spent
the days after
Malou’s
death.

Malou
was in that room.

So many memories.
Every time they moved me,
I thought of
Malou.

And I worried about
BB.

At 5:00 am, when I was still awake with pain,
I got a shot of a different medication,
which thankfully worked.

I was able to sleep for about 1 hour
and then a midwife came by to
run some more tests on BB
(where everything still looked great).

I dozed on and off for a few more hours,
and then woke up to more back pain
and horrible nausea.

I was so thirsty
I could hardly stand it,
but every time I took a sip of water,
I would throw up.

Then I got a visit from a doctor
and an ultrasound by a specialist
to look at my kidneys and gallbladder.
Again, they couldn’t really find anything.

At 1pm I got a weight ultrasound of BB,
who is still growing nicely,
and then met with the doctor again.

But when I started throwing up in his office,
he got worried and I was wheeled in my bed
back to my room.

Later a different specialist came by,
but they can’t really do any tests on me
while I am pregnant.

But they gave me some fluids intraveneously
as well as some morphine,
and I finally started feeling good.

More tests, more doctors,
and one more night in the hospital,
and this morning (Christmas Eve)
I was feeling more or less better.

So a few more tests on BB
relaxed me enough to ask to be discharged.

We’ve missed our ferry to the island
where we were supposed to spend Christmas
with Tom’s family,
so we will have a quiet Christmas here instead.

My poor babies. I feel so guilty when I get these attacks,
because the last thing I want to do is hurt them.
I can’t help but think my babies
are safer outside me
than they are inside me.

I can’t wait until BB arrives.
5 more weeks.

Here’s some pictures of how I spent
Christmas Eve morning today…
(which is actually Denmark’s equivalent of Christmas day).

I hope you all have a happy holiday season.
Thinking of
Malou
and all of your sweet babies and loved ones
who should be here celebrating with us too.

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Published in: on December 24, 2009 at 13:39  Comments (6)  
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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. That is so horrible, Stephanie. I am so sorry to hear that you are in pain and are having these scares. I am sending good energy your way and many prayers for BB to stay safe. Your belly is just beautiful. I am thinking of Malou, as well.

  2. Well, that sounds horrible. I am so sorry you you had to go through and still are going through so much physical and emotional pain. I am glad tho that this baby boy will be arriving before you know it. Rest up and regain your strength. By the time you are rested it will be your little boys birthday which you will need all that strength back. I can harldy wait for you to be holding your new baby boy!!! He is on his way! Hang tight and power through all these bumps. Merry Christmas, Love you!
    Beck

  3. Oh Steph, I am so sorry! I can’t imagine what you and Tom were going through, but I am so happy that BB is doing well! Hang on the best you can, and know that there are so many of us thinking of you! Love you, miss you! -Amber

  4. What a way to spend Christmas. You poor darling with all that worry again. One thing after the other must have been so scary for you and Tom. Great pitures by the way. Do take care and it wont be long till all the good things start to happen.
    Big hugs

  5. What a horrific scare. I am so so sorry. I am praying that the rest of this pregnancy is boring and normal (a prayer I pray for myself) and it ends with a screaming little baby boy.
    I am so glad to know that BB is healthy and still with you.

    Missing Malou with you,
    ebe

  6. I just listened to this and thought it might be helpful to you…
    http://deathisnotdying.com/fullvideo/ (I think she answered in a more powerful way than anyone who is not walking through fire here on this earth could, the answer to the title of this blogpost.)


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