Middle of the night

What do you think of
in the middle of the night?

I tend to wake up
several times a night now,
and last night
I could not fall asleep again
after 4 am.

And my thoughts,
as they often do when it is quiet
or I am alone,
turned to
Malou.

I relived, again,
the moment of finding out
she was gone.

My doctor hit the nail on the head
when he said
it is a deep trauma
that won’t ever go away;
but that I must learn to live with.

This time,
instead of focusing solely on how
I was feeling during that time,
I saw it from the perspective of
the poor midwife student,
who stayed with me 
(stroking my forehead)
the whole time until Tom arrived,
and of the doctor
who told us our worst fears.

As I looked down at myself
(in my mind, this wasn’t a dream),
I just felt so sorry for all of us.

Sorry for the doctors and midwife,
who were so sad,
sorrier still for my darling husband,
who kept comforting me
and telling me it would be okay,
when his world had just shattered as well,
and sorry for myself.

I wanted to give that broken girl,
who was me almost 19 months ago,
a hug
and whisper that it would be all right.

(Even though it isn’t.

It ISN’T all right that
Malou
died and no one knows why
and it never will be.)

But I just wanted to comfort her.
I know she thought she would never, ever
be happy again.
I know she thought she would die
from the pain.
I know how she screamed
at the unfairness of it all
when she was alone. 
I know how scared she was
that her whole purpose
had died
along with her daughter.

And yet she is still here.

I am still here.
And I am becoming happier by the day.

I wish, I pray, I hope,
that no one has to experience this pain.

But for those who do,
I wish, I pray, I hope,
that life brings you only
comfort and peace and joy
from now on out.

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Published in: on December 16, 2009 at 14:45  Comments (2)  
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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I’ve been wondering how you were you doing. Night time is the worst. I am up and down all night long. And, I usually have my crying bouts then too. Something about the quiet darkness that allows my mind to go there.

  2. I love you so much, Steph! I am thinking of you and Baby Boy, and Tom and Malou all the time. I hope your happiness continues to grow!


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