*Giving birth*

The most important thing
is that
brother arrives safely.

Whether that is an induction or not,
a vaginal birth or a c-section,
with pain meds or without,
it doesn’t really matter.

I know this.

But I’m a planner.
And a worrier.

So a part of me just wants
to schedule a c-section
so he comes out as quickly as possible,
as early as possible,
and I can know he is okay.

But that is not a plan.

Based on the doctor’s recommendation
(which comes from my anxiety about being pregnant)
we are planning a “natural” (as possible)
at around 38 weeks.

I have an image in my head
of how I’d like this to go
but I know there are no guarantees.

So I am trying not to have
too many expectations.

Mainly, I have hope.
One of the only things that
has kept me going in the last 18 months.

I hope Baby Boy will arrive safely.
I hope I have a safe, vaginal birth.
I hope Baby Boy will arrive safely.
(repeat, repeat, repeat)

We’ll see how it goes.
Malou Amelia’s
birth experience
was actually, surprisingly,
one of the loveliest parts of her life
to me.

At least, in retrospect.

Maybe I am blocking some things,
but I look back and am grateful
for the labor and delivery
I was given.

Shortly after her birth,
I wrote up her story
in the form of a letter to her.

It was meant to be a birth story,
but her life, the only life she ever had,
in my womb,
was so intricately linked to her birth
in my mind,
that the letter evolved into many pages.

I decided to place it as a Page
(you can see it to the right).

If you have a good chunk of time
on your hands (yes, it’s quite long),
and if you’re not squeamish about births,
feel free to read.

Tomorrow I will be 31 weeks pregnant with

died when I was 31 weeks and 4 days pregnant,
and I gave birth to her
at 31 weeks 6 days.

Those milestones are fast approaching with this pregnancy.
But surprisingly,
I am feeling calm.

Baby Boy is estimated to weigh
about 1850 grams,
already much bigger than his sister.

And so far, thank God,
everything looks good.

But your good thoughts and prayers
are still very much appreciated
as I enter this week of memories…


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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Thinking of you…..

  2. I’ll be thinking about you. It is such a peculiar time. I hope you feel better on the other side at 32 weeks

  3. My thoughts and prayers are with you, my friend! By the way, do you have a name for your baby boy yet?


  4. Hi Sofia!
    No name yet, but suggestions are welcome. 🙂 We have an extensive list, but our preference changes daily. We hope we’ll know when we see him.

  5. hello my love,
    i love reading your blog, as always. i can hear you saying what you write. you’re an amazing mama. i miss you so much and wish i we could be closer. but alas, we’re too free spirited. we have to live in foreign countries. i am thinking of you always. char and i or oliver and i bring you, tom, malou and baby boy up in conversation often. i look forward to the day we can introduce our boys to each other. i know if malou was with them in physical form she’d be the one calling the shots!
    a name that i loved when trying to decide what to name charlie, was ronin. i love that name. but we chose to name our baby boy after my dad and his dad.
    anyway, thought i’d pass it on.
    i love you steph.

  6. Hey Stephanie,
    You have been in my thoughts and prayers these last several days. Hope all is well. We miss you guys. Look for something in the mail soon. Just a little something. Lots of love from DC.

  7. I love the names Daniel, Ethan and Lucas… 🙂 I’m sure you will have no trouble choosing a great name when you see him 😉 GOOD LUCK!!


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