*Anxiety*

…8 weeks to go
before
Malou Amelia’s
brother is to be born,
and the anxiety is definitely increasing.

Now I am seen at least once a week,
alternating between the midwife
and the head ob-gyn at the hospital,
and I get ultrasounds every two weeks.

I am always seen on a Wednesday
(how appropriate)
and that manages to keep my
anxiety at bay until about Monday
(maybe also appropriate,
considering that was the day
Malou
died).

I go to sleep at night
thinking of
Malou
and trying to banish the thoughts
of losing her brother.

I am up several times a night
and can’t fall asleep again
until I feel this baby move.

I analyze his movements –
too little? too much?
What is just right?
How will I know?
I didn’t know
Malou
had died…
How do I trust myself?

I worry about the food I eat
(did I just give myself listeria?),
the cold and flu I may catch,
the slow jog I make to catch the train,
the lotion I use,
lying down too much,
standing up too much,
oh my goodness, I could go on and on.

And I am sure,
once he is born,
I will have a million different worries.

But somehow, I know they will be better.

I won’t feel this heavy weight
of responsibility
for my every action,
and its unknown effect on my precious son.

When he’s here,
I can see with my own eyes
that he is okay.

I can’t wait.

And then I worry I am jinxing myself.

I’m not sure what I will do if “it” happens again.
I’m not sure I can survive.
(Tom hates when I say that.)
But yet, people do,
because there isn’t much choice.

I’ve at least made it past
“three weeks before going on maternity leave” –
even though I am going on leave
earlier this time
than I was planning with
Malou…
I was still worried,
in my ridiculously superstitious way,
that I wouldn’t make it past
“3 weeks before” my leave this time either.

But now I am just about one week away –
I made it this far,
just a bit longer.

I can do it.
I have to.

This baby is different.
The doctor reminds me he is healthy.

The doctor tells me that
Malou
had a fundamental problem,
and that she never would have
developed into a normal little girl.

I don’t care.
I still want her.
I still love her.

And I am still sad
that they could never see anything
before she was born,
and that the autopsy never showed anything
specifically wrong with her.

This is just their conclusion.

She was sick.

Tom and I prefer to think she was strong. She was a little soul that perhaps was never meant to make it past the 1st trimester, but somehow she hung on and gave us the best 7 months ever.
Our sweet little daughter.

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I love that last paragraph of your post. What a precious girl she was!

    I can totally relate to that anxiety! I remember those feelings quite clearly. For me at least, those feelings really did end when Eleanor was born. People would always comment on how “calm” I seemed as a brand new mother, but what they didn’t understand was that I knew my baby was alive! I could see her and touch her! So what if I was struggling to figure out if that was a hungry cry or a tired cry…that’s trivial compared to what I had been worried about during my pregnancy.

    I can’t believe how close you are getting! Do you guys have a named picked out? I know this is Malou’s blog but I’d love to hear about your rainbow baby too. 🙂

  2. Oh Stephanie. I’m only two weeks in to this live baby parenthood in, but you brought the memories of the pregnancy crashing back with this post! Yes, yes and yes to all of it! I feel for you so much, I know exactly how hard it is. I can assure you there is a whole new set of worries once they are here, but I do think they are more easily managed. As I can see him. And I know he’s alive. Everything was such a guessing game being pregnant. I never trusted my instincts. And there was just so much unknown and so much to freak out about. You’re getting really close now. I can’t promise you time will fly by (it didn’t for me) but I can promise you it feels much nicer once you make it to the other side. I’m over here waiting for you, very impatiently!
    xo

  3. Wow Steph, you are so good at putting your worries and insecurities into words, that is half of the problem solved, I am sure, Yes, there always things to worry about as we only get one chance and as the saying goes “babies do not come with manuals”. There are some books out there but many of them are crazy. Always trust your inner instinct, it IS right. Keep the positive thoughts out in the universe and the positive things will bounce back to you. Someone once told me when I was talking about problems with my daughter(s) “your problems NEVER go away, they only change!” How true. Most of the time we manage to muddle through. You and Tom will be terrific parents and our BB will always have a loving and supportive family plus the added bonus of a crazy “aunt” in Australia.
    Big Hugs.

  4. Hey Steph, I am sure everything will be just fine and in 8 weeks time you will have a beautiful and healthy baby boy in your arms 🙂 I wish you all the best!! Stay strong and be positive (easier said then done, I know).

    Hugs


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