*Ready*

Two years ago
I found out I was pregnant
for the first time ever.

Two lines
that made me the happiest
person in the world.

I could hardly believe it.

I was so happy,
and just ready.

Ready to be a mother…
I didn’t know how much those two lines
would change my life,
and how not ready I really was.

I was recently thinking about
in the weeks before
Malou
was born,
my nesting instinct kicked in.

I started to worry that we weren’t ready
for her arrival,
so I insisted we set up her crib
(2.5 months before her due date).

If you knew how tiny our apartment is,
you’d know this was crazy,
because every bit of space counts.

I’m glad we did it, though,
even though it took me 5 months
after she was born
to take it down.

It was a tangible piece of her
that I could look at.

But I realize now,
that even if we had never set up her crib,
it wouldn’t have mattered.

We would have been ready to receive her,
but  nothing could have prepared me
for losing her.

 If she had lived,
we’d have been ready,
right that moment,
because that’s what you do.

It doesn’t matter if everything is
bought, washed, set up, put in its place, and so on…

it will all fall into place.

We had it all,
except the most important piece.

She is gone.

So now I am less focused on being
“ready” for Baby Boy.

We’re already ready.

Ready and waiting.
And hoping.
Even if his big sister’s hand-me-down crib
isn’t set up and ready to go.
Yet.

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Published in: on November 18, 2009 at 09:06  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Hey Steph, I was reading last night and came across this passage about how the Balinese view early childhood and I thought of Malou.
    “The Balinese don’t let their children touch the ground for the first six months of life, because newborn babies are considered to be gods sent straight from heaven, and you wouldn’t let a god crawl around on the floor. So Balinese babies are carried around for those first six months, revered as minor deities. If a baby dies before it is six months old, it is given a special cremation ceremony and the ashes are not placed in a human cemetery because this being was never human: it was only ever a god.”
    I couldn’t help but think of Malou, and while I know that you want nothing more in life then to have her with you, it is amazing to think that maybe she was a god the whole time sent for some other purpose. Okay enough heavy talk! I hope that all is well and that everyday you get a little closer to having peace.
    B

  2. B, that is a sweet thought. What an interesting belief. I certainly like to think her life had some purpose, more than what she gave me and Tom and our family, something bigger.

  3. “Getting ready” for the new baby is all part of the enjoyment and anticipation of the new arrival. You did enjoy Malou in these early stages too, as I did too. It is fun and now, precious memories. You have to be pleased you did it. Look at all the memoirs you have stemming from this. Yes, now we all look forward to our Baby Boy and we will have new things to look at too and imagine. All will be ready at any time, as you say.
    Hugs


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