*Driving in cars with boys*

I liked the movie
Riding in Cars with Boys…

and while driving in the car with
my little boy
I thought of it.

I thought,
every time I’m in the car,
I’m with a boy,
either my hubby or my baby boy.

But I’m always thinking of

Especially when I am driving “alone”…
I think of her.

Sometimes I think of her grave,
and that I should go visit.

Other times I think of her birth,
of what it felt like to hold her,
of the first few moments of my new life.
The end of hers,
the start of a new, sadder life for me.

I think about everything while riding in the car,
everything comes back to me…
the ultrasounds we had,
especially the last one,
the kicks I felt,
especially now that I have something to compare them to,
and I worry she was sick and I didn’t know,
the weather,
especially late fall, which reminds me
of the season I found out I was pregnant with her,
and I was the happiest I had ever been.

I think about so much,
wishing for the life I know was meant to be.

I am a mother of two,
but I’ve never been a parent.

I am so excited for
little brother to come into this world,
alive, please God, alive,
and yet I know,
I am meant to have two.

He was never meant to be a replacement.

No one could ever replace you, my darling girl, my precious Malou Amelia. I wished for it once, to get pregnant with a little girl and imagine that she was you, coming back to me, to us, to reunite our family. But now I know that is not meant to be. You fill up so much of my heart but I know I’ll make place for your siblings. But you, my dear girl, will always be my precious firstborn, the one who gave me the pregnancy I always dreamed of, and briefly the life I always wanted.  I love you so much. xoxo from your adoring mama.

Published in: on November 4, 2009 at 19:07  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. So familiar Stephanie, as always. How often do you visit Malou? I am torn up with guilt I don’t go to the cemetery enough. It is only just 5 minutes up the road. We seem to just go on the “big” occasions (birthdays, Mother’s Days etc) but I always think about going more, and just never get there. Where is the rule book on this stuff?

  2. The car is an amazing place to be alone in your thoughts or “trap your kid for an important question or talk”. Things remind us of various stages in our life, both good and bad. I often think of an occasion when a specific song comes on the radio and it is normal for me to get the tears in the old eyes. The world just moves on oblivious to all our special thoughts and needs. We do live in an amazing place. Malou is all around and her grave is important because this is your last physical contact with her but we KNOW she is in the wind.
    Big hugs.

  3. Hi Sally. We always go visit Malou on holidays as well. But I do go a lot less than I used to. I used to go every day (the first few months), then just a couple of times a week, and now I’d say it’s only a couple of 2-3 a month. I can feel bad about it sometimes, but I know logically it doesn’t matter to her. I do it for myself…sometimes just to cry and be with her physically (in a way) and other times just to make her grave “pretty” – bring flowers or a plant if I find something that reminds me of her.

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