*Is this your first?*

Now that I am looking obviously pregnant
at 25 weeks along
I would expect to get this question often.

Except
I live in Denmark.

And people tend to keep to themselves
and not ask strangers these types of questions.

And if they know me,
well, then, they know this little boy
isn’t my first child.

I got this question several times in the US,
which I expected
(we tend to be a more talkative bunch)
and I always answered truthfully,

“No, I have a daughter who was stillborn”
or something to that effect.

I’m just not at the point where I can easily
gloss over this uncomfortable, sad fact
just to spare people the awkwardness.

(Though, to their credit, most people
react quite well – possibly because
I’m not crying when I say it…
now that tends to make people
regret saying anything,
when they shouldn’t…
crying is ok.)

If I didn’t mention
Malou
I would feel like I was
abandoning her
all over again.

That’s just me.
I know of some other babyloss mamas
who find it too difficult or personal
to share with strangers,
and I understand that too.

Anyways…

I went to the dentist last week.

I have been seeing this dentist
since before I was pregnant with
Malou.

In fact, that was the first place
where someone said
“Tillykke!” (Congratulations)
to me on my pregnancy
without me having to tell them
I was pregnant. 😉

I was beyond thrilled
that I was “showing.”

So when I returned
6 months later,
the dentist asked
why I didn’t bring my baby with me.

I explained what happened
and she was very nice and sympathetic.

So this time around
she was happy to see me pregnant again.

And then she asked
if I had any other children?

I said,
“Well, you remember my daughter was stillborn, right?”

She said yes.

And then answered her own original question,
by saying,
“So, no, you don’t have any other children.”

I said,
“Well, none living” to make my point
(not sure she got it).

Malou
IS
my child.

Always will be.

Just because she never took a breath of air
doesn’t mean her heart didn’t beat,
her eyes didn’t open,
her ears didn’t hear my voice,
her little body didn’t dance.

It doesn’t mean that she wasn’t loved,
or didn’t create love,
or that she didn’t have a soul.

It doesn’t mean she wasn’t here.

This is
Malou’s
world too.

Dear Malou, I wish everyone in the world knew how important you are, not just to me but to them. They don’t know it, but I am sure, somehow, someway, your little ripple of existance affects them too. I selfishly wish your mark was bigger so I had more memories to share and more people who knew you. But I know one thing. You have made my life so much better by being my daughter, and so many people around the world love you and remember you and hold you close in their hearts. Just like your daddy and I do. We love you more every day, sweet girl. xoxo your mama

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I had a very similar experience at a doctor’s office. I had to tell the medical assistant that I was pregnant (of course, I lost that baby just days later) and she asked if it was my first. I told her about Ella and her reply was, “so this will be your first?” Me- “uhm, no, not really. But, if this baby lives, it will be my first living baby.” It didn’t help that this woman was like eight months pregnant. I was very irritated. I think I tell someone about Ella everyday. I just started a new job and get the kids question from someone new all the time. I always share about Ella. My daugther very much existed and it’s very important that the people around me know about her.

  2. It’s been months since I came across your blog and I searched it out again. It has really touched me deeply. You are a beautiful person and the way you write and express yourself, your loss, and your love for Malou is so special. It is of course heartbreakingly sad, but beautiful nonetheless.

    I am not a babyloss mama, but there were 12 hours my son was in ICU at 5 weeks old when we did not know what would happen. I didn’t let myself fall apart, but I knew that if he left us, I would in a way be destroyed forever. My own mother tried to cheer me up that I would “get over it.” I knew I wouldn’t. Just a month later my close friend lost her second daughter to unexplained stillbirth at 38 weeks gestation. We had all been waiting for her birth. I had been following the pregnancy from the first weeks.

    That was when I learnt what stillbirth was, and having come close to losing a child, I could not bear to leave my friend alone with her grief. Yet I was surprised how few people were able to be there for her. How can anyone who has been pregnant, has children, not be able to understand?

    Anyway, that is the reason I still read about these things sometimes, and why I came across your blog.

    I wish you and your husband all the best in life and with your son. Bless you, I am sure you are helping many people by writing about your experience. Malou was a beautiful baby, I love the film you made for her although watching it cuts me to the heart.

    Take care, Anna

  3. I really feel that if you have had children you have more of an understanding f the “inner” feelings (if that is the way to put it). I know some people get cross when I say this and say “of course I understand” but I do know differently. It is just something very inner and special and indiscribable. I am one of the lucky ones who does know you and Tom and appreciate just how much you love Malou (as I do too) and know she will always be part of your life. I also know what a fabulous mamma and daddy your little son will have. He will also have a fabulous *”aunty” in Australia and I am pleased to say I know Malou will now have someone to visit downunder. Keep well my dear friends.
    Hugs

  4. […] The same dentist who asked me, when I was pregnant with Liam, if I had any other children. […]


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