Packing up a life

How do you do that?

I guess it’s done all the time,
after someone dies.

Sorting through their belongings,
giving some away to family,
to friends,
to charity.

Dismantling their life.

It took me over 4 months
to be ready to dismantle
Malou’s
crib.

Even though we live in a
teeny tiny apartment
and definitely could have used the space.

Since then,
all of her special things
(she has a lot,
despite her short stay)
have been packed up
in drawers and cupboards
within our
(teeny tiny)
apartment.

Lately,
Tom and I have been
cleaning out these drawers,
which are filled with a lot more
than just
Malou’s
things.

We even rented a storage unit…
and that’s when I realized
we needed to pack her things.

It’s just not practical to have them all here,
not right now.

So we sorted through all of her clothes,
double-sealed the outfit and blanket
that touched her beautiful skin
and still has her scent and
some tiny drops of blood on it
 that remind me,
Malou
was here
,
and packed almost everything else
that reminds me of her…
sympathy cards
and birthday cards
(I re-read every single one,
crying the whole way through),
the ribbon that wrapped one of her gifts,
her baby book with her
foot and handprints,
heart-shaped stones
I have found all over the world
since she left us…
these are just a few of the items
that remind me of
Malou.

We packed it up carefully
in a box
and drove it to the storage unit.

Sigh.

When we have more space,
we are going to buy a hope chest
(or better yet, have Tom make one)
and place all of her special things in it…
and have a little corner of our house
devoted just to her
(that was Tom’s idea).

In the meantime,
I have kept a few mementoes,
a lock of her hair,
all of her pictures,
here. With me. With us.

Where she should be.
Where she belongs.

My dearest daughter, I have been missing you so much lately. I’m learning, but I still sometimes don’t now how I will live the rest of my life without you. It is tortuous to know you and love you but never have seen your smile, felt your kisses, heard your voice. And tonight, tonight, I just don’t know how I can live without ever knowing the color of your eyes. Oh, sweet girl, I want you back with us.

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Published in: on October 21, 2009 at 20:32  Comments (5)  
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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I wish you could have your daughter back. I wish the same for me. Some days it does all seem too much.
    xo

  2. I love the Hope chest idea! This February will be 2 years that Gabe was born then passed. I still have his room the way it would be if he were to have come home. His clothes, blankets, diapers are still in their drawers. I don’t know how to pack them or where they would go and my husband says his room is sacred ground. We both still call it “Gabe’s room.”

  3. Oh my sweet girl, packing up all of Malou’s things had to have been so hard for Tom and you. Making a Hope Chest for her is a wonderful idea – along with Tom making it himself. I am so proud of what you have done and how you have survived these past 18 months. Your website is truley a tribute to Malou and I am sure has helped many other babyloss mamas as well.

    Love you SOOOO much…

  4. What a time you have had. If Tom puts his talents to work for Malou it would be wonderful and so easy to move around too. It is very necessary to keep these special treasures both for yourselves, Malou’s siblings and other family and friends (like me) who love to look at them and remember and honour her. You are doing a great job. Take care and I will see you soon. I love you both.
    Hugs

  5. Oh honey, I am so sorry that you have to live with this pain. I am so proud of the way you have celebrated Malou’s life and continue to do so. You are amazing. I love you so!


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