Orphan

Tom and I just saw this movie.

It’s not bad for a scary movie/thriller
(which we love but freely admit
most are pretty corny)…

but it starts with the scene of a stillbirth.

My first thought was,

“Finally! The movie industry is acknowledging stillbirth.”

Then I realized
that the mother was having a nightmare,
so it was a ridiculous and horrific portrayal
of a stillbirth.

It made me a bit mad.

I’m not sure about the rest of you babyloss mamas,
but losing
Malou
was absolutely horrific…
but delivering her sweet body
into this world
was absolutely beautiful.

I was scared out of my mind,
of seeing her, of the pain,
of dying (I was worried for Tom
if this happened, not for myself)…
but as soon as she was there,
I was in love.

I still have very positive thoughts
about the labor and delivery.

Certainly nothing to have nightmares about
(those are reserved for that
silent ultrasound room).

Maybe I’m just lucky.

I know one of the mothers in
my grief group
ended up having an emergency c-section
and when she woke up,
she found out her baby girl
had died only minutes before.

She had been born alive
but died.

This mother’s greatest sorrow
was knowing that she missed
her daughter’s entire life
outside the womb.

Malou
never had a life outside the womb,
but I can imagine how much
it would tear me up inside
to know I missed it,
if she had.

Anyways…

the couple in the movie decides to adopt
a child to share the love
they felt for their stillborn daughter
and give it to someone in need.

Of course,
things go wrong…

Otherwise,
there is not a lot of focus
on the stillbirth
(in fact, Tom was more saddened
by watching the darling, curly-haired
little girl who reminded him of what
Malou
could have been,
than he was by seeing the stillbirth scene,
and I was too).

I was struck, though,
by how the mother mentioned
“the stillbirth” when she talked about
her daughter’s death and birth.

I don’t know any babyloss mama who does that.

You’ll never hear the words,

“When I had the stillbirth…”
from me…

but you will often hear,

“When Malou was born…”

Small distinctions that to me
show that the writer of the movie
didn’t have personal experience
in a stillbirth.

I guess that’s a good thing.

I mean, of course, that’s a good thing.

I don’t want this to happen to anyone else,
ever again.

Unless, you know, it meant I could have
Malou
back.

Then you’d be surprised at the depths I’d go,
the sacrifices I’d make…

or, if you’re a mother,
one who has lost a child or not,
you probably wouldn’t be surprised.

Because you’d know. You know.

You’d do it too. Anything.

I’d do anything for
Malou Amelia.

For any of my babies.