Tom and I just saw this movie.

It’s not bad for a scary movie/thriller
(which we love but freely admit
most are pretty corny)…

but it starts with the scene of a stillbirth.

My first thought was,

“Finally! The movie industry is acknowledging stillbirth.”

Then I realized
that the mother was having a nightmare,
so it was a ridiculous and horrific portrayal
of a stillbirth.

It made me a bit mad.

I’m not sure about the rest of you babyloss mamas,
but losing
was absolutely horrific…
but delivering her sweet body
into this world
was absolutely beautiful.

I was scared out of my mind,
of seeing her, of the pain,
of dying (I was worried for Tom
if this happened, not for myself)…
but as soon as she was there,
I was in love.

I still have very positive thoughts
about the labor and delivery.

Certainly nothing to have nightmares about
(those are reserved for that
silent ultrasound room).

Maybe I’m just lucky.

I know one of the mothers in
my grief group
ended up having an emergency c-section
and when she woke up,
she found out her baby girl
had died only minutes before.

She had been born alive
but died.

This mother’s greatest sorrow
was knowing that she missed
her daughter’s entire life
outside the womb.

never had a life outside the womb,
but I can imagine how much
it would tear me up inside
to know I missed it,
if she had.


the couple in the movie decides to adopt
a child to share the love
they felt for their stillborn daughter
and give it to someone in need.

Of course,
things go wrong…

there is not a lot of focus
on the stillbirth
(in fact, Tom was more saddened
by watching the darling, curly-haired
little girl who reminded him of what
could have been,
than he was by seeing the stillbirth scene,
and I was too).

I was struck, though,
by how the mother mentioned
“the stillbirth” when she talked about
her daughter’s death and birth.

I don’t know any babyloss mama who does that.

You’ll never hear the words,

“When I had the stillbirth…”
from me…

but you will often hear,

“When Malou was born…”

Small distinctions that to me
show that the writer of the movie
didn’t have personal experience
in a stillbirth.

I guess that’s a good thing.

I mean, of course, that’s a good thing.

I don’t want this to happen to anyone else,
ever again.

Unless, you know, it meant I could have

Then you’d be surprised at the depths I’d go,
the sacrifices I’d make…

or, if you’re a mother,
one who has lost a child or not,
you probably wouldn’t be surprised.

Because you’d know. You know.

You’d do it too. Anything.

I’d do anything for
Malou Amelia.

For any of my babies.

Published in: on October 21, 2009 at 20:32  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Yes, I don’t ever say “the stillbirth”. In fact I hate that word. I hate stillborn more, when people say “oh, she had a stillborn”. No, I had a baby. A baby just like any other baby. Her name was Hope. My baby girl Hope. My daughter. I had a baby who while yes, she was stillborn, she wasn’t A stillborn. Subtle, I know but it always irks me. And I heard it said just yesterday, from an old lady who lives two doors down. She lost her third and final child 39 years ago at 42 weeks to stillbirth. She referred to her only daughter as “the stillborn”. I’m not sure if she even had a name and I know she doesn’t know where she is buried. It made me sad. We are certainly a lot better at things these days, but there is still so much more room for improvement.
    Thinking of your baby girl Malou today.

  2. Stillborn is a “funny” word really. I think we usually don’t use it in normal conversation as it is “hard” and final. We know it is final but it sounds kinder and softer to say “the baby died” Stillborn is more a medical term. We speak in more normal sentences, a little longer and more gentle. I don’t think I will look out for this movie.

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