*Guilty Pleasure*

I feel hesitant
to write here about my
current pregnancy,
my beautiful little boy.

And that’s because I know
babyloss mamas are reading this.

Now that my belly is growing,
and I affectionately rub it,
I think about how I may be
accidentally
hurting other women
who see me.

I feel like I should wear a shirt
that says,
“My first baby died.”

or

“This bun in the oven
has a sister in heaven.”
(I just came up with that)

or, for my fellow fertility-challenged mamas

“IVF works!”

Just so they know they aren’t alone.

I know hearing about a pregnancy,
let alone being confronted with a pregnant belly,
could easily send me to tears
before I got pregnant.

And, actually, I still get a pang
of jealousy
when I hear of other women
who are pregnant.

I am jealous of their
excitement, belief, joy
innocence
that everything will work out
as it should.

I want that back.
And the only way I can get that back
is by getting
Malou
back,
which of course
is the real reason
I am feeling this way.

I miss her.
I miss her so much.

I feel her brother
kick and turn and wiggle
and I am reminded
that I never felt
Malou
like this.

She always kicked me
in the same spots –
under my right ribcage
and by my left pelvic bone
(I still want to get her little footprint
tattooed on one of those spots,
but I’m a chicken,
so instead I’m trying to get Tom
to have her name tattooed
on his back when and if he gets
this cross tatttoo he wants).

I hardly remember any other kicks.
I also don’t remember her kicking
this much.

This boy,
well, he kicks and tumbles
all over.

The hard part about
a pregnancy after stillbirth
is the unknown.

Did
Malou’s
kicks feel different, softer,
because she was sick?

Does that mean
that her brother is healthy,
that he is going to live?

I don’t know.

I wish there were answers
that could comfort me
when I lie awake at night,
feeling my precious boy
doing sommersaults,
trying to memorize
his movements
in case that is all I ever have.

And then I try,
I try so hard,
to let it go
and enjoy my baby
and trust that he is growing
how he is supposed to.

Knowing that my trust
can be shattered,
but rembering that…

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows
but only empties today of its strength.

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Published in: on October 14, 2009 at 11:09  Comments (9)  
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9 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. What a brilliant quote to finish on. I needed to hear that today. I often wonder who out there I’m upsetting with my bump. I wish I could let people know. I’ve received a few strange looks. Love your t-shirt ideas.
    Hoping both our little boys keep growing big and strong.
    xo

  2. I’m taking a little pleasure myself in hearing that you are having a baby boy! That is such lovely news. Glad he is a little wriggler.
    You never know what other people have gone through to get where they are in all kinds of situations. People always comment that I seem to have a happy marriage, which is nice. But the pain we’ve shared is a big part of that.

  3. Happy to return the favor, Sally. Your blog often has something I need to hear. 🙂

  4. Wait, did I miss something?? It’s a boy?! That is so exciting!

    I remember having that same fear that I was upsetting someone. I love your tshirt ideas! I remember soon after I lost Ada and I would get so upset when I saw a pregnant woman, I would remind myself that I don’t know her history. We just never know what ANY person has been going through in life.

  5. We’re so invisible and silent… but we are legion, we baby-loss mamas. I want a t-shirt, too, just so I can look into a woman’s eyes and know – she knows what I know.

  6. The t-shirts are a good idea. We certainly have shirts for all occasions these days. I think most women understand the joy of a pregnant tummy whether or not you know the mama or she is just a stranger passing on the street. Pregnancy is a miracle but sometimes ends in tragedy. I am sure we would all rather focus on the positives of these beautiful tummies even though we know deep down some are following sadness. This is a good reason for focusing on the good things, the acrobatics in the night, indigestion, and kicking that cuppa off your tummy and staining your new shirt etc. All great things in the long run. Enjoy your son, our beautiful little cherub, we wait patiently with love in our hearts.
    BIG Hugs

  7. Hi Beth! Yep, we’re having a boy and very excited. 🙂

  8. Hey Steph, have been away for a while and have just read your post!! CONGRATS on your baby boy my friend, all the best 🙂

  9. Thanks, Sofia. 🙂


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