Malou’s Daddy

You may have noticed
that I don’t write too much
about my dear husband
Tom.

Partly because
my grief is very separate
from my love for my husband.

But this hasn’t been an easy journey
for us.
Despite that
it is more clear to me than ever
that I am married
to the best man
for me.

He was my absolute rock
in the first weeks
after losing
Malou.

Since then
we have had some definite
up-and-downs
because we grieve so differently.

And my sadness
can make Tom feel helpless.

Especially
because I often want to be alone
when I am sad.

And Tom of course
wants to fix me, make me feel better,
just like any good husband.

Lately
I have been feeling “better”
and Tom has been feeling worse.

It isn’t necessarily apparent
that he is grieving
Malou
from the outside
but a combination of things
makes me think he is.

For example
I have finally been having the
energy to try to “live” again,
and by that I mean,
I have an interest in doing things
besides the “strictly necessary”
– forcing myself through
work, school, medical and household stuff
was all I was emotionally capable of
in the first year
and even that was a stretch –
and now I want to do some things for
us, for myself, for the future…

Anyways

Now that I am feeling like that,
Tom has started retreating a bit.

It’s like only one of us
can be the strong one, the up one,
at a time
and now it’s (finally)
his turn to be sad.

I wonder if, I hope,
that we will get to the point where
we are both ready to live life
moving forward,
not looking back…
but I’m not rushing it.

I know it takes time,
and that used to make me feel so frustrated,
all of this time being “wasted”
but now I know that I am learning
and loving
in the process,
and that’s not such a bad thing.

One thing is for sure.

I would not want to live any life,
whether looking forward or back,
without my Tom in it.

I am so grateful.

Can you tell I am missing him
while I am away in the US??

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Published in: on September 30, 2009 at 23:48  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I could have written this post (though, not as eloquently as you). My husband and I have experienced the same thing. When I’m done, he is up. When I’m up, he’s down. I guess it’s a nice balance so that we can take care of each other. Hope you’re enjoying the states!

  2. Yes, we can tell you are missing your fantastic hubby. You are very lucky to have such a wonderful guy. So sensative, supportive, loving, honest, handy (in the true sense of the word), helpful to everyone and so good looking as well! Wow, all these things in one small parcel. What a catch! 🙂 I feel honoured to be one of your friends, truely.I am sure you have ups and downs at different times so you can be there for each other. Nature is amazing how it works. You will both have good times together more and more just as you grieved together in the beginning. I still think grief is a funny thing, it just hits at the most unexpected times sometimes. It will always be there in the corner of your heart just as your love grows more each day for your new little one. Enjoy your last few days with your family and friends and I will see you next week.
    Big Hugs.

  3. The same things happen in our household. Usually my husband and I are both in the same boat. I don’t think the feeling will ever go away!


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