*Wrong*

(I wrote this Saturday night, clearly when I was feeling down. This blog has been such a good outlet for me, in that I always feel better after I write a post. In fact, often I write posts in my head that never actually become reality, just because thinking it through like that helps me work through whatever emotion I am feeling. In any case, I’ve been feeling pretty good since I wrote this.) 

It’s just so wrong.

Sitting here alone on my couch,
my husband out of town
on a well-deserved trip,
I have just watched the video
I made about
Malou.

It’s wrong.

It’s not my baby.

It’s not. It just can’t be.
Tonight
I just cannot believe it.

I miss her so much.
I want to see her again, so badly,
I just can’t stand it.

Most days, now,
I can move forward.

But tonight,
all I can do is look back.

The smile on my face
“before”
was so big, so genuine…

now, I feel empty.

This new little one fills me,
but I am confused.

I want it to be
Malou.

I can’t make the connection.

I look at pictures of my girl,
and I look down at my stomach,
and I wonder if she’s in there?

I want her to be.

Oh, God, my poor new little baby.

How can I want him or her to be anything
other than what s/he already is?

S/he is perfect and loved
and has already brought me so much
happiness and hope.

But tonight,
I feel confused.

I feel like I am carrying
Malou
all over again,
and I want that.

***

A fellow babyloss mama
shared this quote by
William Wordsworth
(I changed the words to make it refer to a girl):

“I loved the girl with the utmost love of which my soul is capable; and she is taken from me—yet in the agony of my spirit in surrendering such a treasure I feel a thousand times richer than if I had never possessed it.”

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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Stephanine – I know. You’re not alone in your thoughts.
    xo

  2. Thoughts and feelings are not wrong – they just are. And I know that once this little one is born you will love him/her for who she/he is. Malou is your firstborn and will always have that special place in your heart. This next baby will have it’s own special place as well and you will be able to tell the difference. It is just hard now because you haven’t physically met this newest one and it is hard imagining that you can love another baby as much as the first. However this is what all mothers find out when they have more than one child. There is plenty of love for all.

    Take care – love you so much…

  3. You mum expressed my exct thoughts. A mother’s heart just grows and grows with every pregnancy. You know that feeling when you “swell with pride”? It is just that. Plus, we cannot help how we feel deep inside, we just do. We can be better on the surface many times but sometimes it just has to come out. When you are alone it is always harder to be cheerful because we do9 not have the distractions of others around to talk or watch etc and our mind wanders around. It’s good you can write like you do – great therapy plus I am sure you help others to cope too. You are doing so well, I admire you.
    Hugs

  4. Your mom is right, Steph. I remember being pregnant with Riley and truly feeling sorry for the child inside of me because I knew there was no way I could ever love it as much as I did Hannah, my first. But, lo and behold, the love multiplies. It doesn’t come from the love for your first – it just grows on its own. And then you realize that all those mothers who tried to explain this to you really did know what they were talking about after all.

  5. I love the words from William Wordsworth. How true they must be, for I can only analyze them from the perspective of a mother who has not lost a child as you have. I also relate to Angie Britt’s words, for I had the same feelings when my second child was developing in my womb. I found, however, that my heart just opened up, and the love for each child in my heart existed equally. Wowsers! A miracle! I discovered that I loved each child for who they are. Neither more, nor less, than the other. But, sometimes you don’t know that, until the new child is born, and the wonderful miraculous bond is forged, and love grows. Take care of yourself Steph, and Tom, and your new babe!

  6. It’s nice to hear from two-time (or more) moms! Thank you.


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