*Grief and Morning Sickness*

Driving home alone from a party
on Saturday night,
I burst into tears
(for some reason,
being alone in a car is a trigger for me).

(Don’t worry,
I’ve gotten pretty good at
being able to drive through tears.)

I was really wailing.

I’ve been tearing up a lot lately,
thinking of
Malou,
so I know something
has been inside me,
waiting to get out.

You would have thought
I’d know better by now…

you can’t outrun Grief.

It is relentless.

You can maybe postpone it a bit,
but sooner or later,
it will come rushing out
without control.

Like a dam breaking.

Or, to use an analogy that is
a little closer to home for me lately,
like “morning” sickness.

On Friday,
I had been feeling nauseous,
so I had my trusty “karate-kid” acupuncture
anti-nausea arm bands on,
and I made the mistake to read
an article in the paper
while on the train home.

About 3 stops from home,
I started feeling nauseous.

Really nauseous.

I got out my barf bag
and started breathing carefully,
willing myself not to puke.

I can usually do this with success.

But not this time.

I was sweating and burping
and must have looked like
a person in withdrawal.

The train stopped,
and I ran off with my head in the bag.

Shaking and teary,
I called Tom to pick me up
since I couldn’t make it
to our home station.

I’ll spare your further details,
but this reminds me that
Grief and morning sickness
are two things I can’t control.

Guess which one I prefer?

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time
to when I was experiencing morning sickness
(well, preferably just pregnancy) with
Malou.

But then I realize
I’d have to experience her stillbirth
all over again,
and now that I am finally starting to
truly laugh and feel happy again,
why would I want to do that?
(you might wonder
unless you’ve been there)

The chance to see her, hold her,
kiss her soft cheeks
just one more time,
is so compelling,
that I might be willing.

Ok, no mights about it.
I would do nearly anything to hold her again.

Pointless to think about, though,
so I don’t know why I let my mind wander.

I think, I hope,
I am right where I need to be,
learning so many lessons
I never thought I needed to learn,
and carrying a sweet, beloved new baby
in my womb.

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. I would do it all again, too. A million times over.


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