*Deja vu*

A few scares this week…

last Friday, I woke up bleeding,
and immediately called the birth center,
and was told me to come in
to check things out.

Fortunately, we heard the heartbeat
right away
so they put me on a one-day bedrest
and it stopped,
and so did my worry, more or less.

On Monday,
I went to my doctor’s appointment
to discuss the care for this pregnancy
(thanks to those of you who sent me
information in response to the last post!).

Tom couldn’t come with me,
so I sat sniffling in the waiting room alone,
trying to focus on the present
when all my mind wanted to do
was wander to the past.

The doctor was nice enough,
and I am relatively happy with the care
I’ll be receiving.

After the anatomy scan,
we’ll get one more detailed scan
at 23 weeks to check
blood flow and nutrients
to the baby (assuming I translated that correctly)
and from there,
we’ll probably have a weight scan
every three weeks.

Then induction at 38 weeks,
barring anything unexpected of course.

That puts us at January 28th,
which can’t come soon enough.

(I hope one day soon
I stop wishing time forward.)

As for the stomach pain attacks I get,
the doctor didn’t have much advice.

I can’t seem to ever adequately explain
that these pains are worse than labor pains,
and that they are forever linked in my mind to

I feel like these fears are dismissed,
because clearly I survive each
painful attack
(so they aren’t fatal)
and they don’t believe it was a factor in
(but I’m not sure I believe in coincidences,
although I guess I do believe in bad luck,
so maybe it was just that).

while the doctor ran out to make a copy
of something,
I stole a glance at my chart.

Verrrryy interesting
to read about myself and Tom…
(isn’t it always interesting to read about yourself?)

Evidently I was “very quiet”
during the after-birth meeting
with the midwife,
1 week after.

And I was still
“very affected by daughter’s death”
at the appointment where we got
the autopsy results,
6 weeks after.

I skimmed the autopsy results,
but decided I didn’t really want
to go there,
but did read enough
to be reminded that they think
had an “unknown syndrome”
that was incompatible with life.

Well…moving on to the “deja vu” part
of this post:

At the end of the appointment
with the doctor,
I asked to hear the heartbeat
(keep in mind we had just heard it
twice the week before)…

She searched for a bit and couldn’t find it,
so suggested we go for an ultrasound.

Ugh. This is what happened with

Back then, I was confident her heartbeat
would be found,
and therefore not worried when it wasn’t.

Back then, I was excited
to get a “freebie” ultrasound,
and sad Tom wasn’t there with me to enjoy it.

This time,
I was nervous for the ultrasound,
and afraid it was a sign that Tom wasn’t there again.

I looked away from the doctor’s face
this time,
and bizarrely thought to myself,
“Well, at least I’ll know what to do
if that news is bad and I won’t be so shocked.”

I immediately felt guilty
for thinking that.

thank goodness
the doctor saw the heartbeat immediately.

Good for my soul
to break the cycle…

it was getting too close for comfort.

I know this baby is a sibling to
a unique individual of his/her own.

(although I slipped and called him/her
when talking to Tom last night)

Because it’s so hard not to compare.

I compare with joy.

But sometimes,
it is with fear.

Oh, Malou, I miss you so much and want you to come back to me, but I know you can’t. Feeling your little sibling moving inside me makes me think of you all the time. I love you, sweet girl.

Published in: on August 26, 2009 at 19:33  Comments (6)  
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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Oooh, I want to read MY chart! 🙂 I’m sorry for all of your little scares this week…they’re so much scarier once you’ve lost your innocence. Oh, and don’t feel bad about calling the baby Malou. I called Eleanor Ada several times while I was pregnant, and I thought of her as Ada a few times too. Hunter, my mom, his mom, and my cousin all slipped soon after Eleanor was born and called her Ada too. My cousin put it best and said that it was just because she had been thinking about Ada so much. So don’t feel guilty if it happens again…just think that it’s good that Malou is being remembered. Plus, I’m sure ALL parents slip and call their kids by each other’s names. I still respond to my sister’s name if I’m out in public somewhere and I hear it…I got called by it so many times over the years. 🙂

  2. “Very affected by daughter’s death” at six weeks!!! What do they expect! We always will be. Oh how I hate these heartbeat scares. I have had them with this baby. I had them with Hope too, but almost laughed them off because I mean AS IF her heart would stop beating. I mean that doesn’t happen, does it?

  3. Yes, I agree, very interesting to read your own chart. How observant of them to note that you were “still quiet”! I am pleased, of course, to hear that all is well but you sure can do without all the little scares aloong the way. As for calling this baby Malou, that is normal, I called my 4 daughters their sisters names many times and sometimes I couldn’t get any name out of my mouth! 🙂 Now I call the animals the other name sometimes. Just shows we love them all! (doesn’t it?) 🙂
    Take care and I look forward to seeing you again soon.
    Big Hugs.

  4. So glad you saw the heartbeat. Riley is going to have a birthday buddy!

  5. Was Riley born on the 28th, Angie?? 🙂

  6. He sure was.

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