*Baby, baby*

(The title explains how much
I am thinking of both my babies today)

Tom and I went to my
first midwife appointment today.

We asked for the same midwife
who delivered
Malou
but for some reason didn’t get her.

Waiting in the hall
made me cry
because I have so many memories of
Malou
in that building.

(Fortunately, the unit is moving next month.)

Anyways, it was a mixed appointment.

But I don’t want to keep you in suspense –
we heard the baby’s nice strong heartbeat! 🙂

But otherwise, I left the appointment feeling okay,
but not great. I guess it’s normal
that it would be emotionally taxing.

But I thought it was odd
that the first time I was to meet my midwife,
someone with whom I presumably need to create
a good relationship,
she was training a student.

So the student midwife handled the apppointment,
full of awkward silences and repeated
suggestions to take vitamins.

Whatever. 😉

I had a student midwife
try to find
Malou’s
heartbeat on the day she died
(she couldn’t)
and the poor thing got so flustered
and blamed her “newbie” status,
I guess to keep me from panicking
before she could get another midwife in the room.

I often wonder what happened to her,
and how often she thinks of
Malou.

Anyways, the other thing I found a bit odd,
or at least disappointing, today
was the fact that they assumed
I would be treated as a
“Normal Pregnant Woman.”

Um, hello?! I walked into your office crying and shaking
and told you I thought this baby was going to die too.

(note: to caring family and friends regarding this last line,
please don’t tell me to think positively because I am doing my very best. I already feel guilty that I somehow will have another stillborn baby because I have a hard time imagining having a living baby, but yet I know my feelings are normal. And just like positive thinking doesn’t make a baby, I truly don’t believe positive thinking keeps a baby alive either (otherwise, Malou would be alive and well today). Not to say I don’t think it helps MY frame of mind, so I do try.)

Does that sound normal?!

So when she said
that I would see her in 3 months,
I laughed (I did, really).

And said,
“That is NOT enough for me.”

Fortunately, they were really receptive to this
and so now I have an appointment
with the doctor on Monday
to discuss
(1) what to do if
I have another kidney (?) attack
(see the “What Happened?” link
about why that’s important to me),
(2) my schedule for ultrasounds,
and (3) the plan for induction.

You see,
the midwives seemed to think
it would be fine if I only got
the one usual anatomy scan

(and that’s it,
my mind actually can’t comprehend
that this seemed reasonable to them,
especially considering
Malou
had several small birth defects
that they should have seen pre-birth,
but didn’t),

and recommended that I
not be induced, at least not until I reached
40 weeks
(whereas the doctor had told me 38-9 weeks).

All in all,
it ended with an offer to come in
as often as I like
(she suggested once a week)
to listen to the heartbeat,
and an assurance
that they would do whatever they could
to make me feel taken care of.

I just don’t understand
why they didn’t anticipate
that I might want extra ultrasounds
and heartbeat checks –
and offer that to me,
instead of me having to ask
(and scramble to write down
all of the different telephone numbers, times,
and instructions for how to get this done myself).

I can’t believe I am that abnormal
from other babyloss mamas.

Mostly
I wish they understood
that I couldn’t care less about them
making me feel better…
I am doing this because
I want my baby to live this time.

If I feel like crap and am crying the whole way through,
so be it.

As long as my baby lives.

That’s why I want the extra ultrasounds.

That’s why I want to be induced early
and be monitored thorughout labor.

Is that so hard to understand?
I don’t think so.

I wish I was this fierce for
Malou.

I wish I knew that I needed to fight
for everything
to get the best for her.

I wish I knew what I needed to fight for.

It all happened so fast,
I didn’t even really get the chance.

If you’re a fellow babyloss mama who’s pregnant again or already had another baby, I would be interested in knowing the schedule of care you got – i.e. ultrasounds, stress tests, doctor’s appointments, etc. – just so I have something to compare to when I speak to the doctor on Monday. Please leave a comment or send me an email!

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Published in: on August 19, 2009 at 15:20  Comments (5)  
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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Hey Steph,
    I am so thankful that you heard a nice strong healthy heartbeat! I will be praying for peace for you, I can only imagine your struggle with worry right now.

    I have a friend who had a stillborn baby that was likely caused by a cord accident but she declined an autopsy so they don’t know for sure. I do know that with her other pregnancies (she had three after) they induced her at about 36 weeks after check for lung maturation.

    One thing I have learned from my own experiences with pregnancy and childbirth. Speak up for yourself. Demand good care. In a nice way of course. 🙂 No one is going to advocate for you like you would. Sounds like you are on the right track with making sure they take good care of you and your little miracle.

  2. I just want to say, for any of your family and friends reading this, your feelings and anxiety is TOTALLY normal! When I went for my 18 week ultrasound (the big one where they measured everything and we found out the gender), I was terrified. I had no reason to be since everything had been okay at that point in my first pregnancy and so far everything was great in this pregnancy, but I got shaky in the waiting room. As soon as we got into the ultrasound room I started to cry out of fear. My husband was great and spoke up for me, explaining that we were just nervous and could they please show us the heartbeat before doing anything else. Fortunately, these people were used to basketcases like me and they were great. 🙂 I too had times during my pregnancy when I was SURE that we were going to lose this baby too. Now I have a healthy, beautiful 4 week old baby girl, and I am extremely thankful for her.

    I’m sorry you didn’t get the same midwife. 😦 Just by coincidence, the same nurse was working when both Ada and Eleanor were born and helped my doctor deliver them both. That was pretty special. I’m sure you’ll develop a good relationship with this midwife over time though.

    And I’m sure you already got it, but I sent you an email answering your last question about ultrasounds and appointments.

  3. I can’t help you with the ultrasounds and appointments as I had my 4 daughters such a long time ago (as you know) but they did promise you you would have more than “normal” so just keep insisting (I say). Think of yourself, peace of mind, and the baby and do what you think. I am positive your feelings are TOTALLY normal. I feel many of us have all the same worries for you so can only imagine your intensity. All 3 of you are doing great, keep it up.
    Hugs 🙂

  4. Hey, I want to send you an email but I can’t find your address! Will you email me?

  5. So much to say on this. Please send me an email. I hear you on EVERY SINGLE WORD. And yeah, I might smack the next person in the face who tells me to “just be positive”. To me it screams “being negative will just kill your baby”.


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