*Pregnancy After Stillbirth*

At my last doctor’s appointment
(at 10 weeks)
I heard our second child’s heartbeat
for the first time.

Amazing…
the beautiful sound
of a fast heartbeat…
swish-swish-swish-swish

A tear slid down my
hugely smiling cheek…

The doctor gave me some literature,
which I read on the train home.

The literature stated that the goal
of all the appointments and ultrasounds
is for every child to be born with the
(loosely translated)
ability to live.

I could hardly hold back the tears.
Why couldn’t we do more for
Malou?

So she could have had
the ability to live?

I suspect she did,
but that we somehow let her down.

I have certainly been getting better care
in this pregnancy already
than I did with
Malou.

I’m so sorry, baby girl. If I had known you were in distress, I would have insisted we do more for you. They wouldn’t have been able to stop me. I would have done anything to protect you.

On Friday
we have our 3rd ultrasound.
I will be 12 weeks and 1 day pregnant.

This should be an exciting scan –
the first one where we’ll
see our little lime-sized baby
looking like a baby instead of a bean.

I hope.

The problem is,
I know there are no guarantees.

Despite my
daily nausea,
exhaustion,
difficulty sleeping,
irritability,
food cravings, and
and incredibly sensitive nose,
I know
we might go into that room
and have to look at
a scan of a lifeless baby.

Please send all your prayers
that we instead see
a kicking and waving
kiddo
instead.

Mom, Dad and Grandma need that.

Yes, my mom’s arriving for a two-week visit tomorrow! 🙂

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Published in: on July 29, 2009 at 09:01  Comments (8)  
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8 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. That must be so exciting to hear the heartbeat, and I’ll definitely be thinking about you on Friday with your next ultrasound and sending lots of good positive thoughts your way. I know it must be hard thinking about what more could have been done for Malou. Questioning everything. There are so many “what ifs” with this, in all of life actually, I guess there’s no getting around it. But I hope you know how much you did protect and care for Malou. You’re such an amazing mom. Love you tons! Big hello to your mom as well from me. Will be thinking of all of you on Friday!
    Love, Keely

  2. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be, to go through all these same stages again. That you shared with Malou.

    You didn’t let Malou down. I know that you would have done anything to protect her. Even though I have never met you, I can tell how very, very much you love and cherish your daughter in the way that you write about her.

    Sadly there are no guarantees. I wish that you didn’t have that knowledge

    Sending prayers for a beautiful, kicking, waving kiddo. xx

  3. Crossing my fingers and toes. Keep us posted.
    xo

  4. Yes, there are no guarantees in life. We all do what we think is right at the time in all situations but sometimes it just is not enough but we are not to know this. We are guided in the “experts” in their fields as we trust them and usually they are right. Sometimes there are just no answers and being human, we want answers and guarantees etc. Tomorrow will be a fantastic day. Two good things to look forward to. I pray all goes well for you and look forward to hear that. I hope your mum can be there for the ultrasound too, that would be fab 🙂 I can hardly wait to see her again too and she aint even my mum 🙂
    I know you an be positive an all the good vibes, wishes and prayers are coming your way.
    Hugs.

  5. I love hearing the heartbeat for the first time! I hope you can post an ultrasound picture when you get one. I know how emotionally up and down those first appointments can be…it does get a little easier over time.

  6. So glad to hear it’s going well so far my friend 🙂 All my prayers are with you, I’m sure everything will work out great!! Hugs

  7. I will keep you close in my thoughts and prayers. Keeping Malou “alive” in our lives today is wonderful, its sad that others don’t keep their loved ones alive like that..forget and go on..I hope you and Tom and the baby enjoy grandma’s visit. I know how much she was looking forward to that!! Tell her hi from me. When in Juneau in June for my son’s wedding I walked through a cemetery and was very happy to see a balloon on a baby’s grave That’s not unusual of course except she was born in 1949. Made me wonder if her mom was still living or another family member placed it there…but that warmed my heart. Peace and hugs to all of you!!

  8. Hi Darby,
    Thanks for your message and sharing the story about the cemetery! That warms my heart too.
    Stephanie


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