*The 24th of July*

One of the first things I did
when I found out I was pregnant with
on November, 18, 2007,
was to go online and find a due date calculator.

From that point forward,
I was looking forward to
July 24.

Now, of course, it’s just another day.

Most children aren’t born on their due date,
and I doubt many people think about the
date once their children are born.

It loses its significance
when your child has his or her
“real” birthday.

And I guess
was May 28.

So July 24th doesn’t mean so much
to me anymore.

It used to represent
all my happiness and
hopes and dreams for the future,

but now it’s just another day
that, if I think about too much,
reminds me of what I lost.

Of what could have been.

I’m not getting too attached
to this new baby’s due date.

According to my ovulation,
my due date is February 11, 2010.

According to the 7 week scanning,
my due date is Valentine’s Day.

And at the upcoming 13 week scan,
I’m sure I’ll receive an updated due date.

And from there,
I’ll discuss with my midwife
how many weeks to subtract.

So probably, hopefully,
this baby will be born healthy
at the end of January.

But not getting attached to a due date
doesn’t mean I’m not getting attached
to the baby.

But the connection hasn’t been
as strong or as immediate
as it was with

I think I am unconsciously
protecting myself.

My therapist reminds me of what I already know:

love doesn’t make grief worse.

And I do love this new little one
and he or she has certainly already
given me so much happiness and hope…
two things I have been sorely lacking
in the last 14 months.

Best of all,
this new baby has given
so many people so much

You should see people’s faces
and hear their excitement
when I tell them I am pregnant.

I guess because of the loss of
and our struggle to conceive,
they appreciate this baby all the more.

I think this baby has already
put out so much
happiness in the world…
just like
has put out so much
love in the world.

I am one proud mama.

Published in: on July 24, 2009 at 21:46  Comments (4)  
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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I have a funny relationship with my due date (fast approaching) as she went past it. I looked forward, like you, to that date for nine long months, except it came and went. She was alive and well on this day, kicking up a storm. The next day, we heard her heartbreat. All was still well. Three days later, she stopped moving, she was gone. The next day, she was born. I will always wish we had known to get her out of there on her birthday. For this new baby, he’s due Dec 1 and I KNOW he wont be born on his due date and he certainly wont be born after it. I don’t ever want to go to a due date again. When people say to me “cool, a December baby!” I am quick to point out “NO, this baby will be born in November”. 38 weeks is what I’m shooting for. Any longer and I might go (even more) insane!
    Remembering Malou today.

  2. And you should be proud!

    I know what you mean about the due date. November 5 will always be significant to me, but Ada’s birthday is July 16 and that’s HER day.

    This new baby is bringing so much happiness into the world. I know I am excited for you guys! Malou’s life will never be any less significant though. Now she is a big sister.

  3. It’s funny all the dates we put into our brains, some much more significant than others. You will always remember 24th July along with many other dates and they are all important for different reasons. Your new dates will all take their place and fit in perfectly in your brain, I am sure. Keep looking forward and keep up the great work. I know I am one person that is very happy for you and I look forward to the progress reports.

  4. What wonderful news and what beautiful words.

    Remembering your sweet Malou Amelia.
    So loved and so cherished.

    Just like this new little one is and will be in the future.

    You should be a proud mama. xx

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