Sadness, again

Back to reality after our wonderful holiday…

the tears started flowing
on the plane
back home to CPH…

saying goodbye to my brothers,
not knowing when we’d see each other again…

(I didn’t show them my tears, though 😉
gotta be tough!)

The worst was lying in the hotel room,
after saying goodbye to Hank and Rebecca and Joey
at 3:00 am, falling asleep, only to awaken
and having to then say goodbye to Zach.

Just me and Tom,
which was actually quite nice,
cuddling in bed,
but still feeling the emptiness in the room
without the others.

Just like we always feel the emptiness
in our lives
without
Malou.

And as always,
whenever I get sad,
I start to think of
Malou.

I don’t like it,
that she is associated with sadness for me.

Although I guess
I also think of her
whenever I am happy.

But it’s like a trigger for me…

sadness always equates to
Malou.

Missing home? Family?
Grieving over another failed fertility treatment?
Hearing bad news about my MIL’s health?
(which, by the way, has improved – her cancer has almost disappeared!!! Just the miracle we needed!)
Seeing a tragic death shown on the news?

And there well my eyes up…
and my thoughts turn towards my girl.

God, I miss her.
I miss her so much
that I can’t even think about it…
I turn my mind away…
it’s just too much to handle.

My eyes linger on the photo
I have of her held in Tom’s arms…
she was, she IS, so beautiful.

Perfectly formed,
so sweet and snuggable,
with so many tight, dark little curls,
and a little pixie face…

sometimes I see her
in the faces of young girls…
and I wonder,
what would she have looked like?

As a 13 1/2-month old?

As a 5 year old?

As a 13 year old?

As a 30 year old?

And then, too, my mind turns away.
It’s too much.
I’ll never know and I can’t bear it.

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Published in: on July 15, 2009 at 09:05  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Yes, she is beautiful. Not was, is…..
    xo

  2. I think it is always sad to goodbye to family and friends after a holiday, especially when they live so far away. You Never know what can happen. This is normal plus you have not sen them since Malou’s passing and that brings back all those memoires again. You all did have a great holiday together in a “magic” place and Malou was with you in her spirit. She always will be. Naturally you are all up and down, would be anyway even without all the treatments you have been through. That just magnifies the situation, I would think. You are doing great, I think more positives will continue to outweigh the negatives. Fantastic news about MIL. I am so thrilled and feel this is a good omen for a future.
    Love you, Steph.
    Hugs

  3. My husband has been wanting to talk about what Ella would have been like at different stages in her life. And, I just cannot do it right now. I turn away too, it’s just too painful.


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